my body: *works a complex system of biological processes to scab over my damaged skin*
me: *about to rip the scab off for no reason*
You Might Also Like
Assassin implies the existence of Assassout and frankly I’m all for it
My 8yo daughter met a girl at summer camp last year named “Internet.” I said no way, that can’t be her name but my daughter has been adamant. For almost a year we’ve been having this discussion.
ANTOINETTE. I just found out her name is Antoinette.
Your Parents divorced because your Dad didn’t want to put your talentless paintings on the fridge.
I’ve discovered a magical land through the back of the wardrobe, it’s inhabitants are similar to my neighbours, albeit a lot more hostile.
A couple of weeks ago I replaced my work computer with an aquarium. If anyone asks, I say it’s my screensaver.
BARBER: what’ll it be
ME: can u make me feel extremeley self-conscious for 45 minutes
BARBER: u got it
Relationship status: It’s not complicated I’m just an idiot
You hear about that roman ruler who found the fountain of youth? Emperor constant teen.
Pharaohs were buried with their arms crossed over their chests because ancient Egyptians believed they took a waterslide into the afterlife.
Classified ad:
Hunter seeks gatherer for nasty, brutish and short relationship. No weirdos.
My 3yo was giving me a checkup and put the stethoscope on my stomach. She asked if I could hear the heartbeat, and I just got up and left. Heartbeat in my stomach? Smh ain’t nobody got time for that.
Convince people you’re an international spy or drug dealer by snapping your phone in half after finishing a call
The Secret Service are so bad at their jobs. Everyone’s heard of them.
You’d think after 12 years of filming Boyhood someone would be like hey maybe we should make this good.
Sony has announced MORBIUS will be released once a month until their demands are met.
‘The Weeknd’ real name has absolutely killed me.
My son keeps texting me for tax advice. He’s known for 24 yrs that I have a THEATRE DEGREE. I only act like I file my taxes.
You can make so much more soup if you use your washing machine.
My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face
[Tattoo on nuts]
Caution: May contain people
Dr: Are you sexually active?
Me: *cries*
Dr: Um, are you sexually-
Me: *cries harder*
Dr: …..Ok. Do you drink?
Me: YES I BLOODY DRINK
Genetics dictate that if two people who refuse to talk before coffee have children, their children will carry the before coffee chatty gene
Pro-Tip: if you check yourself into the asylum you get a bed, good meds and three squares a day without having to do any chores.
My milkshake brings 30-50 hogs to the yard.
And they’re like, “are these kids yours?
Damn right, you wild boars.
I could beat you, but you’re rather large.
*eating chips for breakfast at 3 pm*
I wish I had a better metabolism
accurate
My husband pissed me off so I bought another half-dozen throw pillows for our bed.
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
i told my roommate i was going on a date tonight, and he goes “let me see what you’re working with” so i did a pose 💅🏽
and he says “not you, the guy” 😭😭
I like to walk through the mall and hand out bags of Cheetos to all the kids I see wearing white clothes