Clerk at Lowes handed me my receipt and I said, “Have a good day.” He responded, “Have an even better day,” and now it’s a god damned contest.
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*eats half a banana then stubs the bit that’s left in an ashtray*
Death hack: bury your loved ones with their fitness trackers for a low-cost early zombie alert system.
Get your relatives speaking to one another again by sending a heartfelt Christmas card with a picture of your family with an extra child nobody knows.
What do you mean hide under sturdy furniture during aftershocks, this is NYC, I have a tiny chair
*pronounces woah like Noah*
I don’t suppose you’ve seen those two boiled eggs I left sitting on the kitchen sideboard by any chance?
Saw someone from high school. She said she hadn’t seen me in years. That’s likely because I’d always seen her first.
My 3yo biggest talent right now is threats. Yesterday my husband and him were sliding in socks and my husband slid when it was 3yos turn and he got mad and yelled “I’m going to bake your feet into pies and then you won’t be able to slide at all bc your feet will be pies
Kids talking at bedtime are like the marketing emails which you’ve unsubscribed to multiple times
[a guy 3000 years ago putting his wet carrier pigeon in a bowl of rice]
A shark, a crocodile and a giant spider walk into a bar.
There’s no punchline. It’s just a typical night in Australia.
I hate how Pinterest highlights that some moms make pancakes that look like animals when I can’t even make pancakes that look like pancakes.
date: did you just eat a fry off the dirty ground?
me: first of all, potatoes grow in the ground.
An alien makes contact. I take it home, give it a sandwich. Then ice cream. And then, to show we’re an advanced race, an ice cream sandwich.
“You call this ART?!” *throws Subway sandwich against the wall* “Make me FEEL something!”
Why aren’t we using these t-shirt cannons for burritos?
I really only wanna grow old so I can get the senior discount at thrift stores
WIFE *walking in* omg I just saw the cutest dog driving home from work
ME: wow *scratches head* I wonder what sort of job he does
* Kindergarten*
Hi kids! I’m the homeroom mom for your class. [writes name on chalkboard]
[Boy Raises hand]
We can’t read. No one can read
Life hack: ask telemarketers and phone scammers to go steady seconds into the conversation and never be bothered again OR now you found love
LEGAL TIP
Open the calendar app on your phone, scroll back to the 15th of March 44BC and type in, “Stayed at home and watched TV all day today. Definitely didn’t go the the Senate.”
This gives you a plausible alibi in case you’re ever accused of assassinating Julius Caesar 👍
Kinda cool how they based an entire country off of Mexican food.
[having daughter’s new boyfriend (who I think is a caveman) over for dinner]
so dave, how is work? *lights candle and watches his reaction*
7-year-old: *telling me the rules of a game she made up* The goalies get swords.
Me: I am so in.
[running amok in flames]
WHY ARE INFLAMMABLE THINGS FLAMMABLE!?
[me dress shopping]
“Ohhhh that’s cute”
*an 80 year old buys it*
Throughout history they’ve removed a lot of key parts from the bible, like how Satan nicknamed his loofah “Loofifer.”
They used to wear them halfway down their asses, and now they wear the one’s meant for girls…
Will boys ever get pants right!?
This milk is so far past its expiration date that I’m only going to have a small slice.
Elon Musk is now worth $208 billion.
You want to know how he did it? He skipped 34.67 billion lattes. It’s that easy.