Most of the time I fall asleep before I figure out which remote does what again
You Might Also Like
fellas who call it the walk of shame why are you admitting that it’s embarrassing to have sex with you
“I think we should start touching other people.”
-Blind couple breaking up.
If you had a choice between owning a dragon or world peace, what would you name your dragon?
Doctor: does mental illness run in your family?
Me: I do have an aunt that鈥檚 a morning person.
public defender: if we get the wooden hammer away from the judge we win
Keep in mind that parenting guides are written by people with enough free time & financial resources to write a parenting guide.
My daughter wrote a poem in school about where鈥檚 she鈥檚 from and she wrote I come from my siblings and I being called tiny dancers and children of the corn so I鈥檒l just be outside waiting for cps.
interviewer: do you feel like you have grown as a person?
me: ok well I was literally like a foot tall when I was born
Don’t have your phone number posted on FB if you don’t want me calling you at 3am drunk asking for the recipe of that cobbler you posted.
You can strip us of our rights,
our dignity and our freedom but know this; we will NEVER stop correcting your grammar.
5 second rule? I’ll take a pill that’s been under the fridge since last March
ME: *whispering to date as symphony orchestra begins playing beethoven’s 5th* can you believe a dog wrote this
Accidentally cut myself while slicing a mango and now I鈥檓 a weremango
I’m not saying I’m an idiot…
But if some village comes looking…tell them you never saw me.
I told my son that the leader of the mosquitos was the bossquito and then my wife called the cops.
APPLE GENIUS: how did u get so much water on the laptop
[flashback to me taking my laptop into the shower so i could tweet]
ME: hurricane
CHILD: goodnight earth, goodnight stars, goodnight orb
MOM: no it’s goodnight moon, honey
ORB: t h i s c h i l d w i l l b e s p a r e d
I’ve always wanted to walk into a large room and be the most beautiful woman in there. But I’m scared of Walmarts 馃檨
reading Agatha Christie has ruined me for all other books. there are no murders in the first chapter? a child isn鈥檛 offed at a Hallowe鈥檈n party? nobody falls in love on a train? rewrite this please
“Why do you hate me?”
– me any time someone tells me I have to sleep on a futon
I use so many age defying crinkle creams that I don’t have finger prints anymore.
Unfortunately most of my sex noises come from trying to get out of bed.
[date]
HER: Do you like Star Wars?
ME: Of course
HER: Which character do you identify with?
ME: *leans in close* The complete void of space
im writing this yelp review on behalf of my brother. im sure he would have agreed that kenneth is one of the worst parachute instructors we鈥檝e seen. furthermore..
Marriage is like Disneyland. Magical at first but then you realize that there’s someone else in the Mickey suit.
2 days ago I gained 800 followers in one day just for tweeting a cleavage pic
Unbooblievable
girls don鈥檛 want boys, they want good hair days
Goodnight moon, goodnight stars, goodnight perfectly normal Purple Rain album cover where Prince’s eyes follow u across the room
I was inept with girls in high school. Once I tried to unhook a bra strap and accidentally made a macram茅 plant hanger.
captain: *drops anchor over side of boat*
me: great now who鈥檚 gonna do the news