I’m not one to bet, but I’d put $50 on the fact that the waffle was probably created when someone accidentally stepped on a pancake.
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Spent the last 10 minutes trying to kill a false eyelash on the pillow that high me didn’t take off last night
Women shouldn’t work outside the home. It’s STEVE Jobs, not EVE Jobs.
I bet when Kanye was little he played tag by himself, then argued with himself on whether he was tagged or not.
Who the hell does that in a sock?!?
*squishes out of the room*
I could probably be lured into a white van with no windows with guacamole.
…or queso.
…or salsa.
…or dill pickles.
…or Jeff Goldblum.
…or, hell, any kind of cheese at all.
I ain’t picky.
Steve Miller: “Some call me the gangster of love.”
Rest of the Steve Miller Band: “Nobody calls him that.”
I don’t want flying cars, I want the ability to start again from my last save point
I have a stomach ache and my husband is mad at me for eating the peanut butter out of the mouse traps.
If you can talk really fast you have some options in life: Become an auctioneer or list the side effects of drugs at the end of commercials.
Don’t mind me, I’m just a mom sitting in the dark eating a tub of ice cream because I spent the entire weekend doing laundry and then my kids changed clothes
More like “wife is home” vs “wife’s not home”.
when someone calls you and you miss the call but you call them back literally one second later and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did you drop your telephone in a well. did you get axe murdered.
My GF found lipstick in my pocket, I admitted I’m cheating… I don’t want her to know I’m selling AVON.. I want to eat my money in peace
What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A nervous wreck.
#HatDadJoke
If I am picking up lunch and bringing it back to work for you, please expect at least half of your fries to be gone.
the problem is that the world is filled with an unimaginable amount of pain and suffering but also an unimaginable amount of delight and beauty and we must bear this in our souls at all times but also still find time to like do laundry and go to the grocery store
Beanbag chairs are fun and comfortable but you should never buy one because one day you’ll get some really bad news and you’ll have to roll off the side and onto the floor before standing up to comfort your partner.
ok i’m just gonna say it… it seems petty that money comes out of my account every *single* time i buy something. give me a break
Me: Don’t text him if he’s ignoring you.
Also me: *sends him 67 messages*
[drops son off for 1st day at daycare]
“Ok, Mr Hughes, see you at 3 o’clock.”
“Not a chance. He’s your problem now.”
me: hate mechanics who talk down to me
also me: this guy is perfect
Mistook a discarded plastic bag for a rat today as the wind blew it across my path. On the plus side, I can now perform the ‘Gangnam Style’.
Twitter is an invention created by aliens so we don’t notice the period of time missing when they take us for experimentation.
“It’s all smoke and mirrors” he said, describing his various drug habits.
If my ex taught me one thing it’s that women don’t like it when you sneak in their bedroom to watch them sleep after you’ve divorced.
Google:
“Never run away from a black bear or approach him. Make yourself look as big as possible.”Me:
*hands bear a magnifying glass*
*planning family vacation*
Me: So what about camping?
Them: We love camping!
Me: Great! I’ll drop you off on my way to the spa.
“Do one thing today that scares you.”
*shrugs*
*licks elevator button*
i wish someone just lost their shit over me like a rooster does the sunrise.
Vacation Summary:
I ate so much that I now have my own gravitational field.