“I do not negotiate with little kids”
My husband, right before he broke down and gave the kid what he wanted
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her: i’m going to a concert
me: to see who
her: Bad English
me: sorry, to see whom
ME: I got fired for microwaving fish at work
HER: whoa, fired? that seems harsh
ME: whatever, I didn’t like working at the aquarium anyway
Otters see a butterfly.
When they did special effects on Murder on the Orient Express, that was Poirotechnics
I wish you were here with me baby
So you can close the curtains and let the dog out, I don’t wanna get up
Squirrels run around looking for food because they don’t have access to technology and the endless supply of nuts on Twitter.
#WhyDoPeopleThinkItsOkayTo replace letters in words with numbers….well now i don’t feel like reading the math equation you just sent me
I rarely eat kale chips, but when I do-I eat them condescendingly and self-righteously.
Not sure if my toddler goes to daycare or a disease-of-the-month club
I wish I had the confidence of my mom explaining Instagram to her friend 5 minutes after I told her what Instagram was.
If you ever hear me tell another mom to enjoy her young children because “it goes so fast” remind me to punch myself in the face
AAA is king of the junk mail. Once a week I get an envelope that looks like divorce papers and inside it’s like “time to split… with roadside anxiety”
The Home Depot guy doesn’t care why we’re buying all this quicklime. Be cool. Stop sweating.
If any of you toddler parents need some encouragement to keep pushing through those toddler years – I just slept in until 11 am on a Sunday.
Pretty upsetting that this long into the pandemic and some people are still refusing to take their work home with them… Like my children’s nanny
Sign in the elevator: Please keep 6-foot distance.
Width of elevator: 5 feet.
Establish dominance over your cat by suddenly bolting out of the room for no reason.
Why do other moms at the playground get all snotty if you ask their husband to push you when you’re on a swing?
marvel comics have peaked
🤣🤣🤣
[At the job interview]
“Why did you leave your last job?”
“They took a vote.”
Dear Fox news,
I have yet to see any news about foxes.
Sincerely,
disappointed viewer.
I need a bathtub filled with chicken nuggets.
No time for questions.
Everyone at Schrödinger’s funeral looking at his coffin
Sorry sir, I don’t do colonoscopies until at least the fourth date, maybe the second sometimes.
My daughter, age 6, is into playing Would You Rather and her questions are not for the faint of heart, i.e., “Would you rather have eyes, or a grandma?”
[cabin rentals]
DESK CLERK: You want cabin #5 or #6?
ME: What’s the difference?
DESK CLERK: Mostly just the names.
ME: What’s #5 called?
DESK CLERK: “Eden in the Woods.”
ME: And, #6?
DESK CLERK: “The Bear’s Lunchbox.”
ME: I think #5.
DESK CLERK: Smart choice.
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
Thursday Thought.