Me: What are you doing in your pajamas still? 3 year old: Eating frosting. Me: Fair enough.
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Me: get out, it’s my turn in the hedge now you’ve been hogging it way too long
Hedgehog: no
Teenage niece (talking to me while she’s driving): Could you respond to my friend’s text for me?
And don’t make it weird by putting stuff like punctuation.
me: I’m having hearing issues
doctor: can you describe the symptoms?
me: it’s a tv show about a family from springfield
George W Bush kept us safe just like how abstinence education kept Bristol Palin unpregnant.
friend: want to go swimming?
me: *eating biscuits and gravy* no
Darth Vader: *kazoo noise*
Moff Tarkin: Someone put a kazoo in your face mask again while you were sleeping?
Darth Vader: *sad kazoo noise*
I have no sympathy for people who leave their car doors unlocked then complain when they find me sleeping in the backseat.
Cobra Kai: sweep the leg!
Cobra: the what
AISLE 7
– Chips
– Cookies
– Quackers
The package says “Serves 4” but my dadbod says “challenge accepted”
Nothing snaps a woman into full blown CSI mode faster than an unfamiliar ponytail holder in her car.
People say sausage dogs are impractical but how many golden retrievers can run a fresh toilet roll under the cubicle door?
Today, we celebrate German copywriters refusing to hire English speakers
Boss “Are you high?”
Me “If I was high could I do this?”
*Inserts a USB into it’s port the right way up 1st time”
Me: What kind of stupid phone you got there?
Him: Windows phone
Me: Oh [takes it and lobs it out the window] Yes it is
Dad: You spent $750 for a college class on human anatomy? Do you think we’re MADE OF MONEY??
Me: Not anymore
On our break this morning, I started to tell my wife about the novel scene I was writing. Halfway through my explanation, she took out a grocery store receipt and started silently reading it to herself.
No professional review will ever so harsh. I am now dead.
If I was a man my favorite hole would still be the donut hole.
A bodybuilding and pastry shop business called John Cena-bon
Looking for investors
50-year-old drunk bully: “Your mouth is writing checks your body can’t cash.”
20-year-old: “What’s a check?”
Am I financially wealthy? No.
But am I rich when it comes to relationships, happiness, and experiences? Still no.
You can just say something like “a group of chipmunks is called a cheek.” No one fact-checks that shit anymore
sigh
A moment of silence please. Not for anyone in particular, everyone just shut up.
One time an intruder broke into my house and got scared off by the old high school wrestling trophies I still have on display.
I like to piss my husband off by using the switch right beside me rather than screaming at devices all over the house in codes I can’t a remember and a voice they don’t listen to, recognize, or understand just to turn one goddamn living room lamp on.
My suspicious mole cancelled my appointment with a dermatologist.
if I were Snow White I’d be like, “Holy shit how are these birds dressing me and why do they know how to color coordinate”
I always smile really big at people in public. Tends to freak them out, out cause I’m not good at putting on lipstick.
1 star recipe reviews are always like “I replaced the sugar with flax seed and butter with spinach and these pancakes came out dry and gross. Do not recommend”