if you ask your child what the magic word is and they say ‘please’ then i guess well done. but if their eyes become blackholes and they speak in ancient mysterious rhymes then also well done and good luck
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Nothing sneaks up on you quite like the age where people give you a bird feeder as a gift.
Her: You should have someone follow you around with a book of matches.
Me: Because I’m on fire with all these jokes? My sense of humor is lit?
Her:
Me:
Her: Sure, let’s go with that.
A curious tradition — to look at a newborn baby and say to yourself, “Because of your DNA, one day you will rule over me.”
ME: [explaining to a class of students] The real reason sharks lose teeth so often is because they have a very bad memory
ZOOKEEPER: [into walkie-talkie] She’s back
My kid just tried to win an argument with “Because I said so” and I had to break it to him that only parents get to win by saying that.
St Peter: welcome to the afterlife
me: damn… there’s more?
Crunching numbers would be a lot more fun if they made little potato chip sounds after each equation.
If you upload these, I hope you enjoy hell.
I’ve never protested anything before but dude when I found out that pigs have like 300 nipples bruh, I was mad as hell. I made a sign for my yard about it, you know, and I stopped eating pigs milk man I didn’t touch pigs milk for maybe a month.
My husband just showed me two pairs of khakis and asked me which one he should wear tonight. This is a trick, right?
*(whispering)they’re both the same
The best way to dry off a wet baby is to leave him in a jar of rice overnight.
Him: Take off your socks. They don’t belong in bed.
Me: My socks are off, though.
Him: I meant the sock puppets on your hands.
Right sock puppet: Well, you’re no fun.
Left sock puppet: *blows raspberries*
“So you’re a poet” says the waitress, gliding past. I vainly attempt to slow my reaction but knock over my beer trying to cover the words ‘glistening moose hips’
I was nerding out to a friend over something Harry Potter related in the pub and now the bartender keeps asking me “what can I get you, Gryffindork?”
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: No idea. I pretty much just zone out whenever I’m behind the wheel. Did anyone die?
nurse: how do you rate your pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
Absolutely no one:
The ice maker in my refrigerator: I HAVE A VOICE AND MUST BE HEARD
every year on my birthday i take a bite out of this windowsill bc i get so excited
Ohh, no thanks. I have seen a baby before
*during an argument
**command Z, command Z
Well damn, that didn’t work
[Signing waiver for the show Cops]
No no, you don’t have to blur my face but how about a sweet mustache?
CHIEF: say hi to ur new partner
ME: new partner? If it’s another duck–
*goose with a badge waddles in*
ME: okay but i’m driving this time
if your day doesn’t start with chasing your neighbors chickens out of your yard are you even living your best life?
relax, they say, as if that’s even a real thing
I like to sing Mambo No. 5 but replace the names of the women with various types of cheese.
[Headless Horseman birthday party]
HEADLESS HORSEMAN: [opens present] Another hat? Haha guys okay I get it you can cut it out now.
[In Bed]
Her: You feeling spicy tonight?
Me: Imma be honest. At best I’m a Honey BBQ on the Buffalo Wild Wings chart.
You never see zombies lying around being lazy, so maybe we should EMBRACE the possibility of a zombie apocalypse. I think it could turn some of us into real go-getters.
Me: Listen, I brush and I floss!! You won’t find anything!!
Cop: It’s not that kind of cavity search, ma’am.
Very, very few humans have walked on the lunar surface. You might say that they’re in the moonority.