Wife (to our teen): Can you unload the dishwasher?
Teen: See, this is why I don’t come down here
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The hubby, son and I are all working from home today, this is my goodbye tweet.
I’ve invented a new cologne that is just one part bug spray and three parts campfire
Capitalism is far from perfect, but how would we find the beginning of a sentence without it?
INTERVIEWER: describe yourself with one adjective
ME: [from left side of room] pendulous
INTERVIEWER: huh?
ME: [from right side of room] you heard me
Is not cake Is cake
But IS cake But is NOT cake
I know I’m old and exhausted when the “Top 10 Bars To Visit In Your Town” sounds like far too much work because I have a fridge, a bag of ice and a bottle of gin.
A slice of pie in the Bahamas is $2.00, in Jamaica it’s $2.50.
These are the pie rates of the Caribbean.
Ok, I’ll admit it, my choice of words is sometimes influenced by which ones I think I can spell correctly.
*in an interview*
Me: Tell me a time when you really struggled in your previous job.
Applicant: 5-7PM po.
Me:
Applicant: 8PM.
Me:
You block or unfollow me because I follow or retweet someone you don’t like.
Kindergarten called & said you left your maturity level there.
Mission control: what’s happening up there??
Dutch astronaut: Houston, we hebben een serieus probleem
Getting high with witches sounds super cool until they start looking at you and whispering about sacrifices.
Before you curse gravity, just imagine how unsatisfying sitting down would be without it.
I’m like Beyonce if Beyonce could not sing or dance.
box: meow
schrodinger: ignore that
Imagine having a day like Jim Carrey in Liar Liar where you’re incapable of lying. I bet you’d all stay off Twitter for the day?
If your wife tells you “We’d be terrible partners on The Amazing Race” it’s a term of affection, right?
[Wine tasting]
Me: Yep. Wine.
What was I like in high school? You know that guy who drove a Camaro and banged all the cheerleaders? I’m the reason he passed calculus
I dont smoke, but still wanna take smoke breaks, so I go outside with everyone then just stand there with a lit birthday candle in my mouth.
[Surrounded by a million deer]
Genie: You said you wanted a million bucks.
Homer: D’oh.
7-year-old: *telling me the rules of a game she made up* The goalies get swords.
Me: I am so in.
The part in Temple Of Doom where she reaches in the hole full of bugs, but me reaching into a pot of cold water in the sink to grab a fork.
Friend: Can I borrow a hair band?
Me: *retrieving Bon Jovi from the basement* Please have them home by 9.
Toddlers are like ants only instead of carrying 20x their body weight, they take up 20x their body size in your bed
Sheryl Crow: This ain’t no disco. This ain’t no country club either.
Sheryl Crow – The world’s worst archaeologist.
[driving with wife and son]
me: aw he’s falling asleep so cute
wife: wake him up before he drives off the road
POTATO MAGICIAN: is this your carb
I get now why they call it being a cougar bc to get my recommended daily protein I gotta take down an elk
*refills beautiful woman’s wine glass* haha I feel like I’ve been talking about corn dogs–and my love of corn dogs–all night