Dune (2021)
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There seems to be a direct correlation between how many rosaries you have hanging on your rearview and how shitty a driver you are.
[middle school]
Teacher: in 1492 Columbus sailed the ocean blue.
Me: he was actually a horrible person who committed many atrocities.
Teacher:
Me: mass genocide just to name one.
Teacher: *frustrated* ok but I feel like you don’t even want to know what he named his ships.
*As the Titanic sinks*
Bandleader: Next, we’d like to play something off our new album
Guy clinging to railing: BOOOOOOO
[phone sex]
GF: Tell me you want me
ME: I want you badly
GF: How badly?
ME: I want you [checking thesaurus in a panic] haphazardly
toothfairy had to leave a note apologizing she couldn’t find the tooth last night despite CLEAR instructions to her customers where the designated tooth pick-up spot is.
Q-tips specifically say NOT to put them in your ears yet that’s the only reason we buy them. We are not a species built for survival
First day as a 911 operator:
“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”
Have to prepare for a work meeting so instead I cleaned my entire kitchen, hung up some paintings, varnished another, and organized my art supplies.
No pizza delivery in prison is the reason why I haven’t murdered anyone yet.
the sequel to “Up” should be called “Up 2: No Good” who do I tell this to
Bout to have a wild Saturday night playing Diablo III with children til the wee hours (probably around 8pm)
I suppose you can take my cold dead hand when you pry it from my warm live one and charge me w/unlawful possession of human remains
Tried a new flavor from my favorite brand of energy drinks.
It was the 2nd grossest taste I’ve ever had in my mouth.
(No offense, Andrea.)
Day 126 with no sex. I’ve lost hearing in my right eye
We were so high at the movies that I tried find my seatbelt and my friend helped me look for it.
4 out of 5 dead husbands agree that last casserole tasted really strange.
14 [in front of the dinner his dad made]: I don’t understand what I’m looking at.
The scene where Indiana Jones swaps the bags and runs from a boulder but it’s me trying to eat a cookie without my kid seeing me
We didn’t need tutors when I was a kid, we just cheated
We’ve come full circle
wow he looks just like him
[watching christmas movie]
Me: who’s your favorite character?
Daughter: I like the grinch.
Me: but he’s the bad guy.
Daughter: maybe he stole Christmas only cause they wrote that really mean song about him first.
Me:
Daughter: maybe whoville had it coming.
Writer: So this movie is about a little girl and her dog and…
Disney: Her parents die. Brilliant.
Writer: No.
Disney: Just her mom?
Writer: No.
Disney: Her dad?
Writer: No.
Disney: So then who dies? The girl? The dog?
Writer: Nobody dies!
Disney: Get out.
just saw Netflix went up to $19.99/month and all I gotta say is for the person who’s been letting me use theirs for the past few years…please stay strong 🙏
God I hate condescending assholes!
(Condescending is like when smart people talk down to you to try and make you feel stupid)
Got kicked out of the bank for taking too many lollipops.
“You are what you eat” I whisper to myself as I pour my dead dog’s ashes into my cat’s food bowl
*Computer crashes, I reboot it*
Computer: Windows was not shut down properly.
Me: Don’t put this on me, man.
Hi guys, got a second date tonight, we’re going to the cinema. What’s the best flavour of soup to put in my thermos? Wanna get this just right
My landlord told me he needed to talk to me about how high my heating bill is. I was like, come on over, my door’s always open.