Just bought Colgate mouthwash ’cause it builds stronger gums and someday my gums might have to lift a car off a baby.
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when I was little, I drugged the milk to catch Santa. Next morning I found my dad passed out on the stairs. Well played Santa..
My credit card was declined and when I called Visa they asked me to verify that I was a 39 year old man buying a unicorn frappuccino.
Fact: A childless person coined the phrase “Sleep like a baby.”
I was offered a brownie at work and when I opened the box, it was filled with brown colored letter E’s.
If you’re afraid of getting fat, drink a little before eating. The alcohol should reduce the fear.
Me: Children I may not have riches to pass onto you but I do have faulty genetics and a history of anxiety that is all yours.
Children: Wait what?
Me: What?
A bright side to having kids is that if I’m ever trapped in my car I have 3 years worth of half-empty water bottles and goldfish to live on.
I don’t know if I’m still tired or already tired.
In 2016 I stayed at a hotel that offered “all-day room service starting at 5 p.m.”
#wordsofwisdom
If it says, ‘Do not try this at home’ – go and visit a friend.
I told this cashier she kinda looked like Lorde, and as I was walking out, heard the lady behind me assure her she did not look like Jesus.
*air horn sound*
*second air horn sound*
Me: “This isn’t deodorant.”
Almost 15 years ago my son was born and you find yourself picturing things they might do in there lives. In that moment, I knew that one day I’d be at high school football game on Friday night watching him.
15 years later and I’m here. Watching him play the tuba at halftime.
*waits until you fall asleep*
*tests out his new retractable air horn*
My son just turned an everything bagel into an everywhere bagel.
Dear young cashier,
$100.89 is not pronounced $189.
Signed, a lady you scared
‘our sage died’ , my wife calls from the garden
‘ok, well, ok’ I say after a desperate mindscroll to be sure we have no children, pets, friends, parents, cousins called Sage
“Did he dump me because the AI told him to dump me?”
Wifey and I overheard our 3 y/o talking to himself saying who’s my favorite, mama or dada? So we waited in suspense and then he said his favorite is baby and his second favorite is woofy. I can’t even beat the dog that pisses on his carpet when it thunderstorms.
“I bet you’re sexy & not creepy at all. Send me a selfie.”
*sends 5 second video of myself staring and smiling*
Cleaned out my car yesterday, it only took me 15 years.
I’m behind 38 episodes of Game of Thrones. I’ll just jump in the new season and piece it all together. Should be fine.
Watermelon. The fruit that comes with a workout.
How to be a politician: 1. Tell people what you’re going to do 2. Don’t do it 3. Change the subject.
If you drive a Hummer, I will assume you are a douchebag. If aforementioned Hummer is bright yellow, I will crown you their king.
academia has you beefing with someone 3k miles away who is also one of only 4 people on earth who likes the same stuff as you
When you get your nails done to show up all the haters it’s a mani petty
Job interviewer: “Why do you want to join the Secret Service?”
Me: “It’s a secret.”
Job interviewer: “You got the job.”
When my sister in-law was a waitress in Canada, she was taking drink orders from a group of Americans. They each ordered a glass of red wine. She suggested they choose a LITRE instead. They spoke among themselves and one man put up his hand and said – “I’ll be the leader.”
You can’t swing a dead cat without hitting someone crazy here!
Of course, if you’re swinging a dead cat you probably shouldn’t be so judgy.