Forget a alarm clock just give me the smell of bacon and coffee
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My favorite thing about people singing happy birthday in a restaurant is when they stop.
Remember during the pandemic when we all put aside our differences, realized we were united under one common goal and, together, made the world’s most delicious cheeseburger?
little kids always bringing toys with them and start talkin bout “can u hold this for me.” no i cant. thats ur shit. u only been alive a few years and ur already making enemies
I got laid off from Twitter for accidentally reacting with 😂 instead of 🔥 on a sexy dm room pic.
the queerest moment of my life was a first date with a cute girl that was going really well until she said “I hate cats” and I was like ohhh and she was like “should we just end this now?” and I was like “ugh. yeah probably” and then we hugged goodbye
Heath: I’m Heath
Heather: I’m Heather
Me, competitive: I’m Heathest
I’m so used to sleeping on my right side that if I switch to my left, my insides feel like a room full of furniture trying to violently escape a haunted house.
*Looks left*
*Looks right*
*Crosses road*
*Gets run over by chicken*
Him: He’s just not the sharpest tool in the shed.
Her: Nah! He’s more like a shed with absolutely no tools.
I’m not saying this dive bar is extra sketchy, I just figured I’d warn you that I was just in a knife fight with a cockroach in the bathroom
“Sorry to bother you at home,” I say, climbing out of your bathtub
[choosing a daycare: first child]
Wife: what certifications do your employees have? what curriculum do you use?
Me: do your cameras have any blind spots?
[choosing a daycare: second child]
Wife: do you have any openings?
Me: what’s the latest we can pick them up?
*passes thru suburbs* roll up ur window, son. this is a bad neighborhood. this is where ppl who comment on newspaper articles live
A secret about trees is that nobody knows which are which. The most confident member of any party will simply say ‘That is a Dutch Elm’ and everybody will agree. But nobody actually knows. Nobody went to tree school. It’s a woodland grift. You stand in a copse of lies.
If I ever got a horse I would name her Grace, just in case I ever fell from her.
Opened closet in hotel to check for murderers while simultaneously realizing I was unprepared should one be in there.
Hostess: enjoy these complimentary after dinner mints
Mints: you have beautiful eyes
Me: [blushing] wow they’re very complimentary
Today, I want to talk about white couches and why ignoring the conventional wisdom was a terrible, avoidable mistake, Annie.
Haha, all I’m saying is there’s no need to put a little umbrella in my drink… It’s already wet.
Friend: I heard you survived a heart attack
Me: Yeah. I owe my life to the big man upstairs
Fat Larry: *shouting from upstairs* You’re welcome
I created you as mosquito food.
rumpelstiltskin: you must guess my name or surrender your first born
barista: *under breath* shit
A woman at my bar was talking about how she has hard time meeting men and I told her to just start conversations with people. A guy comes in and sits next to her and she turns to him and goes “where were you during 9/11?”
me: what kind of dog is that?
him: husky
me: sorry, *deep raspy voice* what kind of dog is that?
Me: *gives a detailed explanation of the law based on 20 years of experience as an attorney*
Female client: My husband said the exact opposite of what you told me.
Me: Where did your husband go to law school?
Client: He didn’t.
Me: So you should probably just do what he says.
My wife put toilet paper on automatic purchase and delivery from Amazon so we never run out.
Challenge accepted!
[pokes your baby with a stick]
what’s it do?
Guys! Everybody needs to stop Kung Fu fighting. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.
My father gave me 3 pieces of advice
1. Don’t talk to strangers
2. Don’t do drugs
3. Don’t come into the garage when Deep Purple is blasting
Someone asked me what was my favorite moment of 2021, and without a doubt it was when I searched for my phone in the dark by using the flashlight on my phone.