the only reason sharks haven’t built an advanced civilization yet is because they’ll die if they stop swimming. they simply have no time to scribe laws or lay bricks or invent pottery
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can’t help feeling like there’s already a name for this
ME: Sorry I made things weird in bed last night
WIFE: Ok, but you’re still wearing the Shrek mask.
‘Shake It Off’ is probably my favorite urinal sing-along song.
Me: I’ll give you a Wednesday for two Mondays
Stock Broker: that’s not how day trading works
My (32F) husband (36M) wants to start a ‘restaurant for magicians’, and it is tearing our family apart
Do bouncers get paid in toothpicks or are they a part of their uniform, or what exactly is the deal here?
Guys if ur drinking tonight please remember this; u can always use a frozen hot dog if u run out of ice. Ok stay safe & keep it real.
There are two sides to every story. Mine comes with french fries and cole slaw.
I’m stuck in a meeting where a guy keeps saying “utilize” and “leverage” and I’m wondering if I should tell him about the word “use”.
Waved to my ex today, next time I might use all my fingers
me: so I just check out women all day?
grocery store manager: please stop saying it like that
Im bored… I think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot and sit in my car, with the reverse lights on…
Props to the guy who numbered combo meals. Ordering a number four combo meal sounds a lot better than ordering a double quarter pounder meal
Why do they call it a zoom meeting, and not a co-vid?
Judging by this sunburn, I’d say the sunscreen I lathered on earlier was SPF goddamn liar.
Obama: Joe, look. Full moon
Biden: What? TONIGHT? *starts shapeshifting*
Obama: Joe?
Biden: AARRGHHH
*Gore kicks door down*
Gore: MANBEARPIG
Walking around cemeteries looking at headstones is a great way to come up with baby names.
Oh look, it’s bad-decisions-o’clock
A guy laughed at me because I only have a 19″ TV. I suggested we not laugh about how many inches things are. That shut him up.
The package proclaims that the Nasoya® baked, marinated tofu is “Ready to Eat,” but I will be honest w/you, I have no idea what to feed it.
The CIA should be exclusively recruiting women over 60 as spies – we are invisible and no one can hear us
customer: i would like to buy a hotdog with sauerkraut
me: sorry, we only accept cash
manager: can i talk to you
Me: Do you ever have one of those days where you just want to stay in the shower?
All other inmates (in unison): No.
men don’t eject their eyes from their sockets and yell awooga anymore
When people say they are fairly certain, I immediately picture a county fair, and imagine clowns were involved in their decision making process.
*trying to explain to the dog why we aren’t keeping the 3 foot traffic cone he found* listen babe I know you’re colorblind so this is a little hard to understand, but it matches literally nothing in the house. you’re going to obliterate the vibe.
4: I’m gonna hide this in a secret spot!!
*2 min later*: MOM! COME SEE MY SECRET SPOT!
Grooming tip:
Cut your toenails every 2 to 24 weeks whether they need it or not.
me: doctor said I have to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal bed