Chocolate cheesecake so good you forget that your wife told you not to eat it.
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When I bend down to feed the cat she leaps onto my back.When I try to stand back up it’s the saddest tiny rodeo you’ve ever seen.
Medusa was the absolute worst when it came to objectifying people.
If alcohol has calories and calories are energy then cocktails are energy drinks
starting an egg-finding service, and also secretly an egg-hiding business on the side
Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my 4th cup of French onion soup.
A ponytail so tight I look 5 years younger and everyone thinks I’ve been smiling all day.
Modeled nude for an art class today at my local college. They didn’t ask, I just felt like it.
Inventor of the ceiling fan: It has two speeds: off and Mach 2
Friend: What?
Inventor: There’s also a switch on it so no one will know which way it’s supposed to turn
Friend: Who hurt you?
Me: I’d like to see your music zebras
Piano salesman: Please don’t, I’ve had a long day
*quietly adjusts thermostat*
my husband from a hotel room 2800 miles away: whatcha doing?
Woah woah woah… You can’t be a loan shark right away! You have to start at the bottom. You’ll be a loan sea cucumber.
This is the one week you can throw a charred corpse in the garbage without people asking a lot of questions.
murderer 1: well this is awkward
murderer 2: omg Dave what are you doing here
murderer 1: how’s Rachel?
murderer 2: she’s good, she just-
me: EXCUSE ME
ME: (to my heist crew) let’s ditch our getaway car in this pond
(puts rock on gas pedal, car revs into pond, disappears underwater)
ME: ok now….wait what’s that splashing
(Car emerges from the water on the far shore and just keeps going)
NARRATOR: The all new Chevy Malibu
[on my deathbed]
me: a….ah…..
wife: what is it!! what are you trying to say?
me: ah…… alexa…… play despacito
Washing my hands to an entire Pink Floyd album.
That should do it.
Nothing worse than taking a run and then having to take a shit when your a mile & a half away from ur bathroom. I almost shitted in a bush
This pumpkin spice toilet paper seems unnecessary, but I’ll taste it nonetheless.
“We run a tight ship” barked the captain, his shoulders barely getting thru the doorway “Real tight.”
he turns sideways to fit down the hall
I haven’t had a good nights sleep since I started wondering what holds up those blocks in Mario.
“Single use consumables are destroying the planet,” I yelled at her as I tossed another condom into the washing machine.
I’m not saying breakfast tacos are the cure but I’ve had breakfast tacos every day for 2 weeks and I’m COVID19 free, you do the math.
Band: Are you ready to rock?!
Me: I need to pee first.
Some people enter your life just to improve your pronunciation.
When I said that you’d always have a place to stay in rough times, I meant like a motel or a shelter. Anyway … You can’t stay here.
*me, at high school prom
Me: So, you wanna dance?
Her: Definitely!
M: Can you tell me why?
My husband’s family tree is more like a rosebush.
It’s filled with pricks.
What she said: wanna share some nachos?
What I heard: wanna race to see who can eat the most nachos?
[sexting]
HER: I want u so bad
ME: badly
HER: what?
ME: badly…not bad…it should be an adverb
HER: you don’t sext very good
ME: you mean I don’t sext very WELL
2 pacs of eminems for 50 cents? Man that’s Ludacris