Running from your problems is cardio .
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trying to act casual so the printer doesn’t realize this is time sensitive
My 9 year old asked for a fog machine so no one can see her messy floor and now I’m pretty sure I’m raising a damned genius.
Forget the wolf. I’m hungry like my cat when she hears any kind of container being opened.
[HONK HONK]
…one more honk and I’m gonna…
[HONK]
*gets out of my car*
*walks to the car behind me*
*feeds the driver’s goose some bread*
anyone know what happened at the 2nd noel?
MARY JANE: daddy, what’s my name from?
ME: it’s from the comic Spider-Man
420BLAZEIT: and mine?
ME: umm [sweating] also Spider-Man
*checking out*
Card Reader: Would you like to donate $1.00 to Charity X? □ Y □ N
*enters N*
CR: Are u a selfish prick? □ Y □ N
If elected mayor, I promise to put a giant, ship-crushing squid in every sea.
Me: Ours was a love divine
I was yours; you were mine
If the stars would realign-Teacher: This is POTTERY class. Poetry class is next door
Son, there’s no need for a paternity test. I knew you were mine when you came prematurely.
Me: So how old were you when you hacked your first person?
Friend: 6th grade
Me: Wow, you were good with computers early on in life.
Friend: Computers?
[during sex]
Him: are you on your phone?
Me: it’s called live tweeting maybe you’ve heard of it
The most romantic movie of all time is definitely Pixar’s UP. That old man really loved his house.
Lol how “take you out” could mean either we’re going on a date or I’m gonna kill you.
she has a point
I’m getting $875,000 back on my tax return. I recommend everyone do their own like I do.
Murderer: *trying to break into my home* *struggling with the baby gate*
Me: It’s a – you have to pull with your thumb while you LIFT
Murderer: Like this? I don’t-
Me: Yeah, yeah, now LIFT
Murderer: *jiggling gate* You know what, I’ll try a different house. You have a good night!
[first date]
Her: omg are you wearing a cape? Lol
Me: [texting mom] ok you were right about the cape
I just found out I have a half sister. It was the result of a magic trick gone really wrong.
cat: *plays fiddle*
cow: *jumps over moon*
dishes: *run away*
farmer: *sets down bong*
Whoever came up with the phrase “actions speak louder than words” sure as shit never heard my 5 year old’s words
Her: I like dangerous sex, like in a moving car!
Me: Have you ever had an accident?
Her: No, I’m on the pill.
Me: (Sigh)
I just convinced my toddler to play Rock Paper Scissors alone because she was cheating and she just quit against herself because she was cheating
“Pray, love, eat.” — A mantis
i shouldn’t have written “never change” in all those boys’ yearbooks in high school, seems like some of them took my advice
I am, perchance
Cop scrolling through photos on my phone: we’ve had complaints that you’re stalking…wait…these are all of me!
one time my grandma used an american express traveller’s check to buy a whole frozen horse
Overheard in the jewelry shop:
“I swallowed for this??”