Saw a momfluencer post where she talked about how she had a “living room family,” not a “bedroom family” because everyone felt happy and safe together in the living room and didn’t feel the need to isolate themselves in their bedrooms. Her kids were 2-years-old and baby.
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“you changed” bro i was 15
They dug up a skeleton on my street. Crazy to think that somewhere out there someone is walking around without a skeleton
Іf you can’t afford therapy try garlic bread.
My perfect date would be a hike in the mountains, and her telling me all about it when she gets back.
Bruce Willis and the pug are lying on hospital beds, hand in paw. The pug’s kidneys are failing and despite science & logic,Bruce is a match
911: what’s your emergency?
me: there’s a really loud fight next door
911: we’ll send a narcissist with anger issues and a gun
me: omg thank you
Marriage license: Contractual agreement to laugh at your spouse’s same three bad jokes for life.
Guys, if a girl invites you upstairs for “coffee,” first make sure she has coffee, you don’t want to get up there and there’s no coffee.
“I trust my boyfriend, I would never go thru his phone”
-girls who can’t figure out boyfriend’s passwords
Sometimes even letting your kids watch age-appropriate shows is a big mistake. Showed my kids The Flintstones, and my youngest asked what it was like living with a dinosaur. My 5-year-old pointed at the Flintmobile and said, “is that why your feet look like that?”
[Lois & Superman’s first date]
Superman: You look beautiful, Loren.
Lois: What? Who’s Loren?!
*Superman flies around the earth and reverses time*
Superman: You look beautiful, Lois.
Once I started pronouncing baseline like Vaseline things just really fell into place for me.
People who try to beat you when walking into a store. No.
The circus serves as a great analogy for marriage. You’re either walking the tightrope or holding a chair because you told her to calm down.
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
My tween would like you to know I ruined his life when I told him to stop being super sus and cringe and be more lit yo.
Pro Tip: when someone knocks on the door of bathroom you’re occupying, yell “CASH ONLY”
Finished building birdhouse. Bird couple coming by tomorrow. In their price range.
Why a man would want a wife is a big mystery to some people.
Why a man would want two wives is a bigamystery.
6: Why are we at the vet?
Me: So our pig can’t have babies
6: How do you know she doesn’t want babies?
Me:*looks at my kids* Just a hunch
“I want you inside me.”
-says the quotation marks to the period-
If you don’t kiss the one ring, Fredo will throw you in the fires on top of Old Smokey
I’m not an expert but still waiting for the day that I will actually use x²+y+8[(x+2y² = a-z]+2x³+(-2z = 2.4)+10y-5Z³ = k= 9 in real life.
How do I tell someone respectfully to die in a fire?
doctor: your parents were in a car accident
me: how are they?
doctor: they’re critical
me: I meant medically
Remember when “anyone can grow up to be President” was aspirational, not an existential threat?
If it turns cold one more time I’m gonna put the Christmas tree back up
I love Bounty but even I think this is cursed
when people say they’re into genealogy I pretend to be interested, but deep down I know magic lamps aren’t real