Rock bottom implies the existence of paper bottom and scissors bottom.
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God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the
courage to change the things I can,
and a really big sandwich. Big ol’ sandwich
Why does body wash have directions, it’s literally the name
Me eating a dish that took me 17 ingredients and 4 hours of my day to make: This is pretty good!
Me eating bread with butter: I would fight god for this.
Firefighters should carry around water pistols like cops carry guns.
“You are what you eat.”
I’m about 90% burrito.
If you give a man a fish, that fish is basically gone. Way to lose your fish
Go ahead. Order anything you want. Money is no object when we dine at Le Foodcourte du Costco.
I have a condition where if I don’t walk as fast as humanly possible wherever I go I will die. I’m like the bus in Speed
I’m really shy in RL.
But on here, I can wildly yell “I hate corn!” without thinking twice.
If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.
I’ve always admired a man in a uniform who is soft, sweet and tender. I guess my perfect match is the Stay Puft Marshmellow man.
[human resources]
Her: What did you mean when you said, “rub it for good luck”?
Rabbit (nervously): …I was talking about my foot
[bum holds his hand out]
“can I have some change?”
change comes from within
“thank u. now I’m not poor anymore”
I get it February, I can only leap about once every four years too.
Greg: “You’ve put Christmas decorations up?”
Ian: “I know it’s only November but-”
Greg: “We work in a morgue, Ian. A morgue.”
Dry January. Only drinking dry martinis.
waffles are just pancakes that ran into the screen porch door at full speed.
*Jesus sits down at the bar*
“The boss says we have to start charging you for water”
God: you can sting people more than once.
Wasp: I mean that’s-that’s not that big a deal.
God: oh. hey Bee come here for a second.
Bee: what’s up?
God: Wasp, tell Bee what you just told me.
Wasp:
Friend: I can’t sleep.
Me: Have you tried putting your phone down?
Friend: Then how will I complain that I can’t sleep?
“I’ve led you this far so the LEAST you can do is drink, dammit!”
Put my back out twerking in the library again
The Dalai Lama prefers quiet restaurants in order to find dinner peace.
The struggle is real in NY #Snowmageddon2015 #snowpocalypse
can we have one night where you don’t act like spiderman
“ok”
[hour later a bird/panther type thing steals wife’s purse]
“don’t look at me”
Me: if I had to review it, the beginning was boring, none of it was believable. I didn’t care about the main characters but we got cake so one star
Bride: did you at least enjoy being maid of honor
Today’s spelling lesson:
On the lam: escaping from policeOn the lamb: escaping from life’s woes with a delightful sheep ride
me: siri, clear my evening appointments, i’ve got a date tonight.
siri: “lol yeah ok. beep boop beep. gotcha.”
i type in all lowercase because i hate capitalism
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