Tonight I have taught my 2yr old a very valuable lesson.
He now knows that chips can be used to eat guacamole.
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Catwoman’s full name is Catherine Woman.
Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?
Doctor: do you exercise?
Me: oh yeah I do all of them, the push-offs, plonks
Doctor:
Me: cronchies
Doctor: I’m gonna put no
Me: ok
My husband doesn’t find it nearly as amusing as I do, when I read all your tweets out loud to him. For 2 hours.
Douche.
Tired of not knowing if I should swipe my credit card, insert the chip or punch myself in the face.
Donald Duck, Yogi Bear, and Squidward stare longingly, faces pressed against the glass, at the pants in the store window.
“The contract,” Squidward says shaking his head.
“The contract,” Yogi and Donald reply sadly in unison.
BILLY CORGAN: the world is a vampire
ME: wouldn’t it explode into flames as soon as the sun hit it then?
BILLY: shut up *runs off crying*
Maybe naming my new hippie themed bar Free Spirits was a bit misleading. Lesson learned.
why is it called a caesarean section and not an escape womb
I see Google have dropped that internet specs thing then?
“Google Glass”
I know what glass is, Catherine.
imagine getting fired from the sperm bank for drinking on the job and having to constantly clarify that
Look dude, I’m going to need to see alot more chest hair and jewelry if you want into my Disco party
Me: and from this day I vow never to rest until vengeance is paid and justice pours down like the blood of our enemies
Priest: uh— th—the bride has also written her vows
beauty:
beast:
beauty: *sips tea*
beast: *sips tea*
beauty:
beast:
beauty: was this inside mrs. potts—
beast: you know I’ve been too scared to ask
A nasal spray that’s filled with glitter, so when you sneeze it’s like a confetti popper.
If someone overtakes me when I’m walking, I match their speed so it looks like I’ve got friends.
Maybe I’m old fashioned, but I just want a girl who gets at least 100 likes on every selfie.
What percentage of the zombies are just chasing you down to tell you they’re vegan?
Don’t charge people for Twitter itself but charge them every time they tweet
Would stop most of the arguments on here. No way am I spending money debating with Loves_2_Spooge69 on why Spider-man having an extra line on his mask in NWH is ok.
This painting is titled ‘Mondays? Amirite?’
me: *tries to schedule car maintenance online*
website: we need you to call for that
me: *calls*
phone message: we’re busy, use the website
me: screams into the void
the void: please use the website
cats: you just cleaned this box, i must use it
dogs: I can’t use a clean area, I must go where everyone has gone before me
What am I gonna do with a river?
Could you cry me a beer?
Just once I’d like the guy hired to kill me to complete the job and not fall in love with me.
The kids and I left the house on time this morning, so now I have to stop for coffee because I don’t have the adrenaline I usually get from running late
Cop: *Hands me ticket
“I’ll see you in court.”Me: *Seductively winks
“Sure is a lot of trouble just to see me again.”Cop: …
Me: Hi, mom. I’m feeling tremendous guilt.
Mom: Why?
Me: Just thought I’d save you the effort.
Move the bed into the kitchen, bro
Scariest things in the world:
1. Clowns
2. Phone calls
3. That feeling when you accidentally tip your office chair back too far and your life flashes before your eyes