I don’t get Twitter drama! I’m here to make friends, not argue
Me, 30 seconds later:
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I love it when all my iPhone apps tremble in fear when I’m about to delete one of them. Makes me feel like God.
My husband just spent 10 minutes looking for a baseball hat that was on his head. I would have said something, except where’s the fun in that?
Attractive person: Hi.
Me: Is this some kind of sick joke?
I was doing CPR on a co-worker for 5 minutes before someone told me that’s just how she laughs
(6yo student hugging me first thing in the morning, head against my jacket)
Me: You were absent yesterday. Were you sick?
6yo: No, I had lice.
*gets whistled at, but by traffic cop
Speaking in rhyme seems perfectly natural for a serial killer, but is quite unnerving when my proctologist does it.
It isn’t a coincidence almost all movies about camping are horror.
grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings
Some of you would make better cellmates than soulmates.
Never understood why people train their dogs to sit pretty or roll over when there are useful tricks like empty the dishwasher or fold the laundry.
A woman just asked me to “unpark her car” and now I’m searching urban dictionary to see what I really just agreed to do
me: *filling up my car with gas*
guy next to me: the gas is supposed to go in the tank
me, pulling the pump out of the window: i don鈥檛 own a tank i only have this car
Me: Hello?
Satan: I’d like to make a return
Me: ALL SALES ARE FINAL
Get your ski mask. We鈥檙e pulling off a popsicle factory heist. I got the strawberry shortcakes. Leave no creamsicle behind.
When someone at work asks you what you’re doing this weekend, just pull a lettuce leaf out of your pocket and slowly start licking it.
“Who’s your favorite vampire?”
“The one on Sesame Street.”
“He doesn’t count.”
“I can assure you that he does.”
馃幎 I’m a cat, boy / in a sealed box I hide / I’m Wanted / dead and alive!
– Bon Schr枚edi
Walking around Boston lost and I turned on Google maps and started walking while looking at it. Walked straight into a stop sign.
My body is a temple
for potatoes.
[Calling doctor’s office]
Lady: When is your child’s birthday?
Me: *panic* click
I like to refer to what gravity has done to my body as the rise and fall of the Roman Empire.
ME: Is it true, if you die in the Matrix, you die in real life?
USED CAR SALESMAN: Again, the Toyota Matrix is a very real car, and crashes can be fatal, yes
Dog: I will guard you with my life!
Cat: What was your name again?
Me: *twenty four inch chunk of rebar sticking out of my head*
Doctor: What brings you in today?
We didn’t start the fire
It was always burning
Since the world’s been turning鈥攎y thighs lying about the friction this summer
Sorry random shopper probably wondering where those cheese sticks disappeared to, but in my defense you walked away from your trolley, they were the last pack and i’m weak around cheese
I wonder if this guy ahead of me in line would mind if I pulled his jeans up for him.
7:43 pm: I am in an argument with my girlfriend and my anger is justified
7:51 pm: I have just apologized for the Salem Witch Trials
when i was in school i was doing my french speaking exam and i started crying cause i literally couldn’t do it and my french teacher said ‘it’s okay you’re not the worst, the girl before you answered the questions in english with a french accent’ and i could not breathe omg