[Inventing octopus]
God: 8 arms
Angel: okayyyy
G: with suckie things
A: and-
G: Mouth like a parrot, shoots ink
A: wtf
G: …I ate mushrooms
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The best thing about owning a Smart Car is when it gets dirty, you can just put it in the dishwasher.
me: I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
SON: *in James Bond costume*
Look Daddy, I’m a spy!ME: Well if that’s how you introduce yourself, you’re a really shit one.
triple bad room means you have to sleep with the owner’s grandma. who likes her feet rubbed. with butter.
I accidentally gave my newborn Muscle Milk instead of formula and now he’s blasting Pantera and doing one arm pull-ups off his crib
Death. Resurrection. Saviour. I believe in Robocop.
I drank so much Mt. Dew my taste buds turned into tase bros.
me: uhhh what did you do?
9: [frantically trying to wash his blue colored hands] nothing. I did nothing!
Maybe if you knew Garfield’s parents were murdered on a monday by anti lasagna activists you wouldn’t be so judgmental.
Tomorrow implies the existence of Frommorrow. And also Tomorcolumn. And Tomandrow! Man, these daiquiris are strong…
If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.
If my husband asks, we took a lit course together in college
The Honey Badger is my favourite animal that sounds like a really scary breakfast cereal.
Hell hath no fury like a small child being told there’s only fruit for dessert.
When, in the future, someone says “remember when we did that thing and had the most amazing time?” and you struggle to remember what year it happened…
One thing you can be sure of is that it didn’t happen in 2020
Me: I’d like to have this deer mounted.
Taxidermist: But it’s still alive.
Me: I’ll give you two some privacy.
Her: Let’s just keep this casual ok?
Me: *reverses baseball cap*
“Ladies, calm down. Girlfriend, wife, whatever. The important thing is that between the 2 of you, you brought enough to post my bail”
I’m too lazy to try the Marie Kondo method. I’m pinning my hopes on a robbery.
[Interview room]
Me: I’m not saying a word without my lawyer presentCop: You ARE the lawyer
Me: So where’s my present?!
me: [sneaking out of a funeral] this is DEAD boring lol
mourner: [whispering] hey where’s the priest going
Abs are made in the kitchen, but a six pack can be bought in a store
To find me during an apocalypse just look for the girl trying to finish her noodles while running
FOOTBALL COACH: *drawing up a play using Xs and Os* ..any questions?
ME: are we the hugs or the kisses?
Kid: “Mom, there’s a dead possum in the yard.”
Me: “Let’s take a look.” [pokes possum with stick]
Possum: [pops up]
Me: Aaaaaahhhhh! [faints]
Possum: [starts poking me with a stick]
My favourite way to cut carbs is with a knife.
13 year old me: why is my mom texting me?
me now: i’m gonna send my mom a pic of this grass cause it’s super green. I think she’ll like it.
no one warned me parenting would include being held hostage until I find an acceptable answer to what unicorns eat
With all the ghosting these days you’d think there’d be more documented ectoplasmic incidents.