(Me giving a Rorschach test) What do you see?
Patient: A house and
Me: Wrong it’s Batman. Ok this one?
Patient: I se
Me: Nope. Batman again.
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An internet atheist is involved in some kind of drama? No way.
In Twilight, if Jacob just got some therapy maybe he could be a Self-Awarewolf
Julius Caesar was born with a silver spoon in his mouth and died with a whole bunch of cutlery in his back.
[date smiles as I pour more wine] it’s like you’re trying to get me drunk for something brent [me selecting 2 players on mortal kombat] haha
I reply to “Happy New Year” with “not if I have anything to do with it.”
Him at 1am: Wanna come over?
Me: Sure thing, sexy
-Cut to me crawling out of his TV like that girl in The Ring
terminator extends hand: come with me if you want to live
me:
terminator: i said come with me if
me: i heard you the first time
“What’s your name?”
“Who’s your daddy?”
“Is he rich like me?”These “reset your password” questions are getting kind of weird.
Prosecutor: I object
Me: No, you a person
Judge: On what grounds?
Me: The courthouse grounds
Judge: I’m ordering you-
Me: Hi Ordering You, I’m Dad
Judge: Bailiff, take him out
Me: That’s flattering but I’m married lol
5 just handed me the household nunchucks and said, “here, you’re in charge now.”
so APPARENTLY if u donate a kidney you’re some big hero but if u donate 9 kidneys ppl get very upset
My kid : mum lets buy something we can play together – skipping rope?
Me *buys snakes and ladders board game*
Today’s horoscope.
●Sagittarius: You’re about to have issues with an Aries.●Aries : Sagittarius think you suck.
I hate this time of year when you have to check all your razors to make sure none of them are actually made of chocolate
A street preacher told me that gays cause floods, & my first reaction was to call my friend Ben & ask him what other rad shit he could do
Just gonna drink light beers today because I don’t wanna get drunk but I do enjoy peeing 37 times.
60% of Americans? That’s almost half. 🙂
Me: “My wish is have a nice quiet retirement in a little house by the water.”
Genie:
If a bank robber yelled at me to get down on the ground and then my apple watch told me to stand I’d be legit conflicted for a second
Best way to get a girl to come home with you is to tell her you own 3 lava lamps seriously what girl wouldn’t want to see 3 lava lamps
Home Alone teaches us that a child can’t pack a suitcase but can create a fully functional flame thrower to harm a small New Jersey man.
I was taught to think before I act.
So when I throat punch you, know that I have thought it through and am confident about my decision.
I was taking my diazepam before my flight and the Swiss guy in the seat next to me saw and guessed I was nervous, so he asked me if I liked cats and then showed me a photo of a cat dressed as a pilot and said “I heard he’s flying our plane, I think we can trust him” 😭
me: jim it was a joke
sheriff: [crying at his desk] w-what
me: there isnt a new sheriff in town, this is just a starfish i stuck to my shirt
Me *Screams at mountain*: I LOVE YOU!
Mountain *echoes back*: I have a boyfriend…. oyfriend…end…nd
PRIEST: Is there any reason these two shouldn’t be wed?
ME: *from the back* SHE HOLDS ONTO CHECKS FOR MONTHS & THEN CASHES THEM UNEXPECTEDLY
my fridge has a screen so sometimes I get bored and photoshop myself to make it look like im in there
Rubs Vaseline in his eyes so I match my Instagram filter
Sometimes a man has needs that can’t be fulfilled in the home.
[goes to animal shelter and pets all the cats]
FLORIDA MAN SUFFOCATED TO DEATH AFTER HAVING SEX WITH PET ANACONDA