In my next life I’m coming back with money and good looks. This great personality shit is not working.
You Might Also Like
AA Milne: Ok rabbit, we’ll call you Rabbit. Piglet, you can be Piglet
Bear: Wow, real original
AAM: [scribbles out Bear and writes Pooh]
Today, I shall mostly be drawing little moustaches and monocles on all the spermatozoa in the biology textbooks at the library.
A forest fire is the world’s way of adding black trees to the forest community.
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
“Did you get that thing done I asked you for?”
Can’t stop thinking about really disturbing things today, like what if they had called him Illinois Jones.
Things I’ve Learned From Horror Movies:
•Don’t have sex, you’ll die.
•Don’t leave the group, you’ll die.
•Don’t be black, you’ll die first.
Me: Our neighbor is such a perv
Wife: Is he staring at our bedroom window again?
Me: *sets down binoculars* Yep
Me to 15: aw, you’re so handsome in your school pictures! Stop growing up so fast!
15: I just heard you and dad saying you can’t wait til I move out so my room can be a home gym.
Me: ……sooo handsome though..
I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, “Got any shoes you’re not using?”
centipede: *trips*
*but for like, an hour*
Chines crypto account who dm’ed me was suspended before I could respond. Can’t help but wonder, did I miss out on a great opportunity?
me to a cat or dog: and are you the best baby? the fluffiest? are you the babiest baby of them all? do you get stopped every day and asked about how it feels to be a baby?
me to a real, human baby: good afternoon. i appreciate your small shoes.
ugh he wants to go hiking as a first date, just like hitler
Hey boy, are you a software update because not now
5 walked in on sexy time last night and yelled “Mommy’s in danger” so I’m just wondering if it’s better to explain it to her teacher or just wait for the call?
Oh wow, I didn’t recognize you with a nose.
Me, meeting anyone from instagram.
Why is it PIZZERIA and not PIZZARIA?
– my brain at 2:00 am
I don’t really care who wins the elections as long as everyone had fun out there.
Know why Norway puts barcodes on their naval ships?
so when they return to port they can…
Scandinavian…
Did you know all your parents’ haggard old friends from your childhood memories were in fact 31 years old
I can’t believe my terrible boss* is making me work on this sacred national holiday**
*me
**National Cheesecake Day
Why does everyone keep telling me to ‘grow a pear’? I don’t even like pears.
Scuba diving instructor: Be careful not to get too close to the sharks
*under breath* or they’ll break your heart and move in with your brother
Dating is just not ghosting someone after sex over and over til you’re suddenly married.
The mailman asked me to stop my dog from barking and not sure why he thinks I’d side with him, the guy that brings me bills and catalogues I hate, over my dog, the guy that is the most handsome boy in the entire world.
I want to buy a Prius because I plan on driving off of a cliff & I don’t want to make too big of an explosion & kill squirrels or turtles
[Jesus entering surf contest]
Judge: What type of board will you be riding?
Jesus: [looks at feet]
They’re using boards?
[using tweezers to yank out a splinter]
*extreme rat noises*
My assistant is eating her pizza with a knife and fork, yet eating her salad with her fingers by picking through and finding the specific vegetable she wants.