i kinda love job interviews solely because i’m the most delusional person of all time and they make me feel like i’m on a talk show
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Let’s play a game.
What item did my almost 3yo bring into our bed.
A: A teddy bear
B: A blanket
C: A @$!&*’n toilet brush
He said it’s canoodle night later, and I thought great, I love lasagna.
The best thing about snow is that now my lawn looks as good as the neighbor’s.
“Ok folks who ordered the macaroni & bees?”
“you mean cheese?”
[waiter struggling to keep bowl covered]
“that does make more sense actually”
Went to back to school night and saw a poem my daughter wrote and she said our house was clean so now she gets cupcakes for dinner.
Me: I can’t come to work, I’m snowed in.
Boss: It hasn’t snowed.
M: It did where I live.
B: We live in the same town.
M: Isolated storm.
B: I live across the street from you.
M: Extremely isolated storm.
It was an art back in the day to be able to fit your tweet into 140 characters
Now people tweet chapters and their tweets are still a load of bollocks. See? This one is already far too long. I apologise for wasting your time and omg why are you still reading this rubbish?
One time I screamed so hard about a professional athlete not playing through an injury I blew out my back and couldn’t work for a week.
College was the most expensive video-streaming service in last 2 years
Telepathy
“Huh?”
Telepathy
“Ok…let’s move on. What—”
Telepathy
“Please stop interrupting! What are your strengths?”
*rolls eyes* Telepathy
How do you explain this gap in your resume?
“I was in jail.”
Okay. Sure you weren’t working for Trump’s campaign?
“Swear to God. Jail.”
[first day on the job at a mattress store]
Boss: I don’t think this is working out. You called these pillows headpuffs four times now.
Me: *sighing* I’m just trying to sell your nap trampolines.
Him: These candles are so romantic!
Me: They’re necessary for my human sacrifice ritual.
In all seriousness I’ve had babies in my audience before and it is genuinely a nightmare. They don’t get any of your school material and they can’t give you a standing ovation. Pathetic.
Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul…to keep…
If I shall die before I wake–
Yah, I really don’t like where this is going.
Assert your dominance by crossing out your coworkers name on their food and put your own.
Then eat it in front of them.
I won’t be satisfied until I have enough followers to form sects that fight about how to interpret My tweets until they kill each other.
[first date]
HER: I love to learn
ME: (trying to impress her) I spent two extra years in high school
Friend: How’s your Keto diet going?
Me: [throws fourth T-bone onto plate] My cholesterol’s extremely high, so I had a heart attack, but I’ve lost 2 pounds.
*my cat meowing at my bedroom door for me to open it*
Meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow
ME: *opens door*
You wanna come in?CAT: lol, no
Now that Christmas is over, don’t forget to be thankful for all the children in China who made your kid’s toys.
I’m sorry I created a “legal situation” when I thought someone ate my salt and vinegar chips.
My hobbies include but are not limited to getting drunk and commenting “LOL” on relationship statuses on Facebook.
My aunt cuts her name & address label from magazines for fear of the legendary “saw your name & address on a magazine label” murderer
The last 3 minutes of any podcast could all be confessions to murder and we’d never know
I hate when you go to a surprise party, and all anyone wants to do is talk about your drug problem.
pre-crashed car! already crashed. don’t have to worry about crashing it, car cannot crash. can’t drive it (no wheels) wheels fell of in crash. also just replaced the brakes, brakes work perfectly now
A cheetah stalking its prey would be jealous of the way I pounce on the Skip Ad button on YT once the 5 seconds are up.
How high do the levels go?
Husband and I reminiscing about the time I texted him on my way home:
“Can you start cooking those sausages?” Then added < 3 as a cute little heart.He cooked 2 sausages.