Me: “I need big girl clothes.”
Him: “You haven’t gained that much.”
Me: “I meant adult clothes for work.”
Him: “Does the couch pull out?”
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[A bengals fan watching Titanic] I can’t wait until the end when Jack and Rose get married
Surround yourself with people who don’t make you sage your home after they’ve left.
Me: You can watch me shower, but if my husband catches you he’ll kill you
Spider:
Her: *seductively raises knee and rests foot on car to expose a lovely thigh
Me: That’s gonna leave a shoe print, get your foot off there.
I wish I had the self-confidence of people on Twitter who threaten to unfollow others unless their demands are met.
If you think Mayweather vs. McGregor is going to be a big fight, wait until my wife finds out I just paid $100 to watch it.
Surprise your partner in bed by dying in your sleep
Can I ask you a question without you getting mad?
-People who are about to piss you off
You know you’re hung over when people recognize you but they think you’re E.T.
These are my roll models.
If he doesn’t like fruit puns, let that mango.
Do you single people want to know what marriage is like? Imagine having an argument in 1993 and talking about it once a week until you die
Hickory dickory dock
I think that my soulmate’s a sockThe End
How strict is the “I licked it, it’s mine” policy?
There’s some things I’ve licked that I don’t want.
If you bump into someone at the grocery store and say goodbye, there’s a 99 percent chance you’ll see them in every single aisle after that.
Mom Math:
If Child A has 2 scoops of ice cream in his bowl, and child B has 1 3/4 scoops, how many days will Mom have to hear about it?
[train]
GUY: Please take my seat.
ME: *adjusts pillow in my top to feign pregnancy* Thank you.
GUY: How far along are you?
ME: 5 stops.
Me: Someone finally made a documentary about clocks
Friend: Please don’t, please
Me: It’s about time
Ex-Friend: I’ve had it
I am delighted to announce that endless online arguing is saving humanity
me: can I get one for the lady at the end of the bar
balloon animal guy: ok
You might remember me from such productions as Skirt Tucked Into Pantyhose, or, Oh! You Weren’t Waving at Me.
I hacked into my wife’s computer and un-justified the margins on all of her documents.
*continues eating while receiving the Heimlich*
Breaking news: There’s been an alarming rise of close call heart attacks. The first symptom is, “you almost gave me a heart attack!”
Them: Aren’t you afraid someone will rob and clean your whole house out while you’re gone one day?
Me (looking around at the Cheerios and toys all over the floor): Maybe if I leave the door completely open with a thank you note?
you know who else had a “fun hat phase”? Abe Lincoln. and we all know what happened to THAT guy
Accidentally ate the sticker on my apple. This wouldn’t have happened if it had been a Snickers.
[runs in out of breath, hands on my knees]
*you’re
My daughter and niece have a new game where they pretend to be grannies and the game is just them loudly complaining about things in old lady voices. Anyway I’m waiting for my turn to play
There’s no limit to a child’s imagination? My 2 year old is yelling at me for taking too big of a bite from her pretend sandwich and she can’t make another one because we’re all out of pretend bread.