[skydiving]
cute instructor: open your chute!
me: lol make me
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I like crazy people until they notice me
Your boss will respect you more if you sometimes disagree, especially if you touch their face and say “You silly goose.”
Heard my downstairs neighbor shouting “GET INSIDE NO GET INSIDE RIGHT NOW YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED OUTSIDE GET INSIDE” at about the same time 3 mornings in a row so looked to see what the new pet was and turns out its a roomba
HER: It’s a gender reveal party.
ME: To tell the sex of the baby.
HER: You have to stop calling it a sex party.
Dance like nobody’s watching. Sing like nobody’s listening. Walk around the party eating the cheeseball like an apple.
The difference between pizza and love is that when the pizza ends it doesn’t send you subtweets.
[making out]
her: did u bring protection
me: yes
her: where is it
me: hey Frank
[voice from under bed] yeah boss?
Are you there Santa?
It’s me, Midge
Me: “I think my computer has become self-aware.”
Ian: “What makes you say that?”
Me: “Well, for a start, it’s named itself Ian.”
Had to try this trend 😊
Just got fired from my job as a set designer. I left without making a scene.
What I said: Please bring your laundry downstairs.
What my son heard: Please drop your laundry from the second floor down into the foyer as I stand at the front door talking to our neighbor so a dirty balled up sock can bounce off my head and into her face.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: How come Cinderella was able to talk to the mice but not the birds, cat or dog??
i don’t want to get up. i want to stay in bed until the day my grandson wins tickets to a chocolate factory
Back to the Future but it’s just me trying to break my parents up at the school dance
If revenge is a dish best served cold AND revenge is sweet then revenge is basically ice cream.
Bring it.
I passed out in an alley last night and woke up being initiated into a raccoon street gang.
Well, son, when a man loves a woman very much he expresses that love by slowly transforming into a human sloth.
During dinner 10 asked 5 to imagine a world without ketchup. She hasn’t spoken in 3 hours I think he broke her
Guy from the Prodigy: I’m a firestarter, twisted firestarter
Me: Okay fine
Guy from the Prodigy: You’re the firestarter, twisted firestarter
Me: Aww man don’t drag me into this shit
Me: *applying flea treatment* Good boy
Cat: Meow {you’ve made a powerful enemy today}
M: Nearly done now
C: Meow! {oh I’m deffo gonna shit in your shoe}
M: All finished
C: MEOW {and I think a bird’s head in your bed, too}
M: Aw, I love you too, Mr Tiddles
her: does an apple a day really keep the doctor away
me: *flicks cigarette butt* u ever seen a horse at the ER Karen
Apparently you can’t sell your eggs if you’ve been diagnosed with depression so I guess none of these people want funny kids
My dad worked on a car assembly line for 40 years. He retired years ago but still struggles with post pneumatic press disorder.
Kissing: first base
Under shirt stuff: second base
Under pants stuff: third base
Taking two to make a thing go right: Rob Bass
i always see couples holding hands but how do you become part of a couple? do you just leave your hand out and if someone holds it, you’re a couple
So are these single women just throwing themselves against walls as they masturbate?
“If you’re not on medication no one will know how crazy you you are,” she said red flaggingly.
I had three cabbage rolls before bed. No need for an alarm clock.
A tinder type app, but it matches you with sandwiches in the area.