I’m just a regular guy going for a regular jog with a regular plasma TV being chased by the regular police.
You Might Also Like
[making a friend at work]
Brain: Make it weird
Me: *thinking* No stop it
Brain: Say something weird
Me: Get out of here, you
Coworker: What?
I really hate it when people stereotype the Irish. When I finish my Guinness, I’m punching you all in the face.
I should have used more oils to get this off easier..
I’m trying to jerk it off but it won’t come.
Honey, dinner is stuck to the pan.
ME: we need to talk
BOYFRIEND: I agree. I was thinking—
ME: the fact that Rudolph’s nose was shiny says nothing about its actual luminosity & if it DID glow, red is the least bright light that human eyes see which is why it’s used in observatories. It wouldn’t help Santa at all
At my 12yo’s school awards ceremony tonight I danced in my seat just enough for her to see me, smile, shake her head in happy embarrassment, and look down to avoid accidentally smiling again
My work here is done
Accidentally took my mother’s id to the polling station and committed voter freud.
A concept so foreign, Angelina Jolie tries to adopt it.
“Knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock”
“Who’s there?”
“An octopus”
Just updated My Facebook status from “Single” to “In a Trinity”. #wayoverdue
*first day in a Vegas poker tournament
Me: I’m all in
Host: Sir, this is the buffet
been searching for the right mix of relaxing sounds to help me sleep and i tried nature noises but they ended up freaking me out like one of them had so many frogs. one frog is ok but this was too many frogs. like an army of frogs. who can sleep when there is a war on the bayou
Her: Do you love me?
Me: *changes subject*
Her: Did you just say *changes subject*?
I’m not feeling myself today…
…would YOU do it for me?
You want to sext?
*blushes*
Ok, but I’m not very good at it.*frantically types*
AS I WALK THROUGH THE VALLEY OF THE SHADOW OF DEATH…
I just remembered the time I was dating a British man and I was annoyed at him about something so I deliberately made my tea in the microwave while staring him right in the eyes
(pouring whiskey)
Wife: What are you doing? Didn’t they give you instructions after they vaccinated you?
Me: Yes they said to be sure to drink a lot.
Wife:
Me:…or stay hydrated…or something like that.
I forgot the term “gait” so I said the horse had a nice swagger.
“This soup is fantastic, I’ll have another please.”
Bartender: “Ma’am, that’s a martini”
If I had 3 wishes I’d spend them on my daughter.
Happiness, success and her very own little shithead who refuses to replace the TP roll.
* feels winds of change
* realizes it’s just a hole in my shorts
[cavemen, having discovered fire, tentatively placing part of an animal carcass above the flames]
[my mother, suddenly appearing out of a time machine] You know you can do that just as easily in the air fryer.
[Creating Humans]
God: Gonna add a small part in their elbows so if they hit it just right it hurts a lot.
Angels: Why?
God: Just like blowing up the Death Star.
Angels: Lololol.
God: I hope they call it a funny bone.
100% of car accidents happen within exactly five miles of something. If you’re within five miles of anything right now, move.
Wife: Let’s watch Netflix.
Me: Ok. [starts movie]
Wife: [sleeping]
Me [pausing]: OMG we are two seconds into it.
Wife: What?
Me: You’re sleeping.
Wife: I’m not sleeping. Press Play.
Me: [presses Play]
Wife: [sleeping]
[blind date]
HER: I’m a Nihilist
ME {trying to impress her}: Egypt is a beautiful country
I need a bed that pops me out like a toaster.
DATE: oh u have an eyelash on ur cheek [picks it up] make a wish
ME (under my breath): i wish u wouldn’t touch my property
Have single guys scared of the “Friend Zone” even heard of long-term relationships or marriage?
Her: My name is Katherine but you can call me Bunnie!
Me: No, Katherine. I don’t believe I can.
Brand new white Adidas completely ruined by 6 steps into the dog park gate.