*sees money in my bank account*
oh crap i must have forgotten a bill
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*Texting with my wife while she’s out*
Wife: YOUR SUPPOSED TO BE WASHING DISHES !
Me: YOU’RE *
Every time a man pisses me off, I pretend we are in a video game & this is simply a tiny side quest in which I am to be taught how to remain a woman who doesn’t do crimes. And 35 years in, it has mostly worked.
Roses are flowers, violets are flowers, I’d love you more if you had super powers.
Wife: “You want to come upstairs?”
Me: “Hell yes!”
Wife: “I was talking to the dog.”
When my daughter is alarmed she says what the fridge! And I’m cool with it.
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Expectations vs. Reality
Mom u can stop cutting the crust off my bread now im in a gang
If a car depreciates as soon as you drive it off the lot then shouldn’t the price go down when you return from a test drive?
This sounds more like an accusation than a question.
When I see a door with the sign ‘Door Alarmed’ I always tell the door “don’t worry, it’s only me”
~ It’s all about the empathy.
i was NOT expecting this 😭 watch till the end
Doctor: I’m afraid you have high blood pressure. I suggest cutting back on your sodium intake.
Me [sipping ramen broth out of a Starbucks cup]: Okay, explain to me what sodium is again.
I feel like I should give my air conditioner a plaque for employee of the month.
i used to store stuff in my bra bc i hated carrying a purse. this one time i was making out with a guy n he unhooked my bra and a bunch of shit clunked onto the floor. he stopped and was like “what is that?” and i was like “don’t worry about it” and he was like “is that a knife?”
The escalator at the gym is broken, this is BULLSHIT.
felt cute might bury dad later idk
If Hugh Hefner ran a company wearing pajamas so can you.
Who tf called it WebMD and not Google Docs
i’ve had this nightmare before 😱
[parole hearing]
“What will u do if released?”
“Kill everyone on the jury.”
“What?”
“Buy everyone jewellery.”
“Aw. Granted.”
the highest compliment is someone asking for ur soup recipe and the highest ego swell is telling them there isn’t one
Dearly beloved, we are gathered together before God & these witnesses to observe the following: 2, 3, 5, 7, 11, 13, 17, 19
-Prime Minister
{Goes to buy Virgin Airlines ticket}
“Can I buy one even if I’ve done sex?”
Um. Yes sir
“Cause I have”
Okay
“I’ve done all of it”
Please go
Doctor: I have good news and bad news
Me: What’s the good news?
Doctor: The good news is you’re alive. The bad news is you’re going to have to diet and exercise to stay that way
On one hand, I’m intrigued by witchcraft. On the other hand, it seems like it involves a lot of chopping and cooking.
*secretly fills your birthday piñata with hornets*
[dangling from a cliff] now let’s do a silly one
[Movie Theatre]
Employee: Theatre 9 will be on your right. Oh hey buddy, don’t forget to get some candy.
8 year old nephew: My uncle already brought some. He’s hiding it.
Me:
Employee:
*my cargo shorts jiggle with the sound of 15 bags of m&m’s as I waddle away quickly*