Oh no 😂😂💔😭
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The good thing about being tall is, you can’t get lost in a crowd.
The bad thing is, you can’t get lost in a crowd.
When people in movies get fired, they all have that one little box with a framed picture on top. You worked there for 17 years, why don’t you have more stuff?
I’d be lost without the care instructions on these pants.
I always wear striped stockings in hopes someone will mistake me for a witch and drop a house on me.
On the bright side, when wearing a face mask, I pick my nose in public much less often.
*gets on knees and prays*
Please Harry and Meghan on House Hunters International
Sorry I had sex with your hot gardener, but in my defense, you did say that I needed Jesus in me.
Hate when stores ban free plastic bags, they’re great for picking up dog poop. Guess I’ll find a new hobby to spend my time. Maybe get a dog
My (27F) boyfriend (28M) won’t stop saying he’s “microdosing pants” whenever he wears shorts
What’s the statute of limitations when you think of a comeback for an insult? Please say 17 years.
As a man I’ll never know the what the pain of child birth feels like. But I’m guessing the pain of stubbing your toes has to be really close.
Guys, ladies love a rugged man.
Be like a wolf.
Knock down her house.
Eat her grandmother.
Tear her to shreds.
*makes wolf sounds
[at dinner]
Wife: This is terrible.
Me: Horrible.Waiter: Hey folks, how’s your food?
(simultaneously)
Wife: Amazing! Me: Fantastic!
Sometimes I think about when I was at an event when I was 20 and I asked this guy to dance and he said after I eat my cake. After he finished that piece he went back for another piece…and another. He just kept eating cake. So. Much. Cake. I’m still waiting on that dance.
Nice romantic weekend with the husband.
Me: Babe I just took my sleeping pill you have about 15 minutes to get some.
Husband: My stomach is bothering me from dinner.
Me: Ok goodnight
{First Date}
Me: I once saved a dog from a fire.
Shania Twain: That don’t impress me much.
Me: Oh well one time I successfully inserted the straw into a Capri Sun without spilling.
Shania Twain: ok that’s actually really good.
[waking up from a nightmare]
Him: Was it the one about zombies again?
Me: *thinking back to the giant unfrosted Pop-tart chasing me* Yes
I don’t think my Uber passengers understand how hard it is to do pretzels in a parking lot, but I can tell they’re having a good time by their screams.
cop: anything you say will be used against you in a court of law
me: incompetent lawyer
cop: wha-
me: tainted evidence
cop: [into walkie] c-can he do that
I talk a lot of smack for someone who believes the plane will tip over if you stand up midflight.
That’s right, I always have subtitles on. Do you know how hard it is to hear anything over the sound of munching snacks?
#RubbishJokes
Two horses in a field.One says: I’m so hungry I could eat a horse.
The other says: Moo!
WINDOWS: update? 🙂
ME: I can’t
WINDOWS: later? 🙂
ME: I don’t know if I—
WINDOWS: pwease? 🙂
ME: fine, later tho
WINDOWS: *immediately restarting* oops 🙂
daughter: can i keep the night light on?
me: and provide the monsters with a beacon to your location? use your head, sweetie
If I reply touché that means I have no clue what you meant
[firing torpedo from submarine]
torpedo: but I don’t know how to do anything else
My 8 year old daughter hasn’t stopped talking in 32 years
Marriage vows are all about “In sickness and in health” but I didn’t know it was ok for my wife to out-jog me by 2 city blocks on our run while she left me behind to catch my breath and eat ice cream alone.
I just want to be as strong as the bond between two five gallon buckets
People often say things in the heat of anger that in hindsight they regret not accompanying with a punch in the face.