I decorate for Halloween by opening my bedroom curtains as I walk around naked. Pretty scary stuff for my neighbors.
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5 & 8:
Mommy, may I wear these boots?
Can you find my jeans?
Will you brush my hair?
Will you tie my shoes?
Mommy, why aren’t you ready?
CAPTAIN AMERICA: *punches guy* Take that villain
CAPTAIN BRITAIN: *punches guy* Take that guvnor
CAPTAIN CANADA: *punches guy* I am so sorry
free space program idea: when you bring a spaceship back to earth land it on a huge seesaw and launch another ship off the other side
“Dad, how’d you get that scar on your forehead?”
[flashback to roller skating into a street pole while taking a Polaroid selfie]
‘Nam…
Meteorologist: Dress for the 70s today.
Me: Okay.
i would never put up a lost dog poster. im not letting the whole neighborhood know i fumbled
My wife just said that my favorite pair of jeans went upstate to live on a big, beautiful farm.
Hey guys. Stop touching your wife’s pregnant belly in pictures. We get it, you came in her.
amazon prime: select delivery window
me: *types* the bathroom one
The racist dove
Married a racist hen
And together they started
A coo clucks clan
*takes a home pregnancy test*
*finds out home is pregnant*
*calls a carpenter to find out if it’s gonna be a shed or a gazebo*
Me: *shopping for turtlenecks*
Amazon: People who bought this item also bought lye, plastic sheeting, and a chainsaw
When someone says “women like you” to me, I assume they’re referring to extremely powerful wizards.
Life hack: ask telemarketers and phone scammers to go steady seconds into the conversation and never be bothered again OR now you found love
Some days you’re the Titanic, some days you’re the iceberg and some days you’re that guy who hit the propeller on the way down.
I backed my car into my husband’s car once when we were dating and for 25 years he’s not parked behind me.
*stirs coffee with knife*
*licks knife*
“Let’s do this”
*wakes kids for school*
kinda want to get my dog to bark for 2 minutes as my voice mail so no one ever leaves me one again
It’s strange that watching paint dry is considered boring but going to an art gallery is considered interesting. That’s just watching paint that’s already dry.
I didn’t survive various alcohol poisoning events in the 90’s just to get taken out by a virus
Leg day is just a fake day invented by Big Leg to sell more leg
I just imagined what it would be like to cut eyeholes in a slice of provolone cheese and wear it like a mask. So yeah I’m fine.
I hate when people text me: “Call me.”
I’m gonna start calling people and when they answer, I’m gonna say: “Text me” And then hang up.
my kid, carrying one small toy and a water bottle: mom, can you get my backpack, my hands are really full
me, carrying 8 grocery bags:
”This is my last chance” I whisper to myself, as we sit on the couch cuddling and I stare at that one slice of pizza left in the box
the doggo pooped out a little plastic hand so now there’s some poor Barbie running around like Luke Skywalker.
A horror movie, but it’s just me: struggling into my shape wear and then remembering I should’ve peed first.
If dogs have taught me anything, it’s that barking is a GREAT way to get rid of people you don’t want to speak to. Works for me EVERY TIME.
[at the shooting range]
Recruit: Sir, I missed every target.
Officer: Perfect.
*makes him a stormtrooper*
“Are you talking back to me?” “Mom, that’s how a conversation works.”