Oh, you climbed Mt. Everest?
Well, I live with 4 teenagers and ALL the laundry in the house is clean AND folded.
.
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I carry a pack of Tums in my pocket in case I run into a hostile plate of jalapeño chili nachos and can’t escape
Florist: “Would you like your flowers wrapped?”
Me: “Nope, they’re going right into the shredder before I give them to my sister-in-law.”
[sharing a cold one with the guys]
“It’s my turn to hold the penguin now”
Linda from the office calls it a shawl but I know a shitty cape when I see one.
Me: *stuffing a ham into my pillow*
Wife: what are you doing
Me: it’s in case someone tries to stuff a ham into my pillow, they’ll be like “ah damn”
The pharmacy will look you straight in the eye with no line of people and tell you it will be 20-30 minutes for them to take some eye drops off the shelf behind them and put them in a little bag.
Accidentally called my therapist mom again. He was not pleased.
Disguising marmite as honey seems like a good way to get dumped on Valentine’s day
“Look on the bright side – at least there’s more for us to drink with him gone” is, apparently, not something one should say at a wake.
How to shape your eyebrows
A thread
Speed Dating
Tell me something about yourself
I have 3 cats
What do u do for fun
I have 3 cats
What are you most proud about
I have 3
Next
[White Castle]
YOU (a slob): 6 hamburgers, please.
ME (a health nut): 5 hamburgers, please.
When I can’t find my car keys, I’m grateful for the most helpful suggestions like “Where did you last leave them?” and “They’ll turn up”.
My therapist: And how are you doing this week?
Me: Oh. I’m good. Great. Things are great. How are you?
Hear me out…
A leaf blower, but for people.
The Five Sizes of Penises:
1. Small
2. Medium,
3. Large,
4. Oh My God!…and
5. Is that available in white??
People complain about spam e-mail but it provides a valuable service. If every e-mail I got was actually important and required a response? I think that might break me
I think the real life lesson Darth Vader tries to teach us is having children can ruin your life
Alanis: I’m ready for this knife fight!
*Pulls out 10000 spoons*
Does anyone know any herbal remedies for worthlessness?
How to sleep:
1. Lay down
2. Dim lights
3. Dwell about literally every mistake you’ve made in your life for 6 hours
4. Rest for 9 minutes
Something good is coming my way I can feel it. Nothing life changing, probably just a hotdog
God please let it be a hotdog
if my sleeping schedule was a person
I just opened a Valentine’s Day card that was filled with heart confetti. I don’t remember the last time I was this angry.
superman villains:
darkseid – galactic conqueror
doomsday – indestructible killing machinebatman villains:
the joker – tells little jokes
the riddler – poses little riddles
the penguin – is a penguin
4 put one of his toys in the gap behind the fridge and when I asked why he said it was noisy & annoying and long story short all 3 of my kids are now in the gap behind the fridge
Welcome to your 40s: that white stuff in your hair, is your hair.
Lady at the farmers market selling us a hay bale to decorate our yard: just so you know, it’s going to get your car really messy
My 3yo: That’s ok because our car is already really messy
My first act as governor? Switching the tornado sirens out with C&C Music Factory’s Everybody Dance Now.
I talk a lot of shit for a guy who spent way too long trying to peel a few slices of ham from what turned out to be an unsliced ham “steak.”