We have great news. We’re pregnant!
-Awesome! Do u know the sex yet?
Of course we know ‘the sex’. How do u think we got pregnant, silly?
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Doctor: eating every 2 hours is wrong
Me: yea, 2 hours is a stretch
[playing hangman]
wife: Pick a letter
son: Does it have to be from the alphabet?
me *gets up*
wife
*sound of his college fund jar breaking*
You guys beat up on Catholicism, but any time you need an exorcism, there you are dialing up the rectory.
I wish there was a way to keep in touch with dogs I meet outside of grocery stores.
Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re paranoid.”
Me: “My resume has been talking behind my back?”
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
An HGTV show where they help new college graduates decorate their apartment with furniture found exclusively on the side of the road
Hear me out…
A leaf blower, but for people.
Shhh!
Shhh!
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Shhh!-Librarians arguing
The pool supply sales lady told me I should shock my swimming pool once a week, so I keep showing it my senior picture.
u buy breath mints? who needs to buy breath mints, people give me breath mints all the time, they just hand it to me like “here, take this.” also, why are u buying soap
Whoever has my voodoo doll, would you please stop making me do the running man dance, i’m at work and it’s causing a scene
Made plans to exercise with a friend and now I have to go get in a car accident.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “cat”
ME: ok
JUDGE: incorrect
[to the murderer hiding in the backseat of my car]
neither this car nor this murder will go anywhere until you put your seatbelt on, mister
I’m gonna start a woman’s monthly magazine called “Period”, and some months I will send it out late to freak out subscribers
14yo: My voice keeps randomly changing
DOCTOR: That’s normal at your age
14yo: [Batman voice] Thank you doctor
DOCTOR: That’s not normal
[first day in prison]
Hey new fish what you in for?
“Killed 4 people during a game of Mario Party”
*everyone backs away slowly*
son: what’s that one?
me: the orion constellation
son: and that one?
me: that’s the big dipper
son: and what’s that?
me: that’s my 3 star review, immortalized in the sky to forever remind god of his mistakes
We got a dusting of snow here in Michigan. Or as people south of Ohio refer to it: “Death Blizzard 2017.”
😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
Dr. Batty was such a responsible doctor. We could all learn from his example & not give cigarettes to the under-6s
Shout out to people who text you and apparently throw their phone into a river as soon as they hit send?
Get off your high horse. Seriously, it’s not safe to ride any animal that’s stoned.
For those without heat in Texas, there are warming shelters throughout the state. See map at link below or call 211 for assistance. If you have a medical device that requires power, call 911. Texas twitter, please add additional resources to this thread.
Customer service: how can I help you?
Me: yeah, I’d like to change my security question. My favorite kid is now Josh
[Airplane]
Me (pointing excitedly) “Hey honey! Look at those people down there. They look like ants!”
My wife (whispering): “Shh. What are you talking about? We haven’t even taken off yet”
Half-human/half-ant family at the back of the plane (muttering): “What a rude man”
Carpe DM
This is deadly serious:
Talking about corona-virus this morning, Trump said, “We closed it down. We stopped it.”
There were 15 confirmed cases in the US a week ago.
There are 233 today.
There will be *5,000* in a week
TRUMP’S INCOMPETENCE KILLS.