[First Date]
Me: I’ll just have a salad.
[Second Date]
Me: *on table, hunched over like four plates of nachos, hissing* My precioussss.
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> what do you want to be when you grow up?
[7 year old me watching Jurassic Park] a UNIX hacker!
*fast forward 28 years*
> So you’re still fixing printers then?
I can be back in bed in about 16 hours.
~me, every time my alarm goes off
Homophobic parents are right to be worried about their children turning gay after lessons about LGBT awareness. I lived as a Tudor wench for 2 years following a history class.
Someone on TikTok asked if people with office jobs just sit at our computers all day and answer emails
Obviously that’s not true
We also have meetings about the emails and then write emails about the meetings
Kids these days, I tell ya
Am I the only one who just buys a new printer when the ink is gone? Also, does anyone want to make a sweet printer fort?
I be hella fake at work using words I never use in my real life like “awesome”
Eating a block of cheese is probably the most delicious way to figure out it’s time to get some groceries.
How to run faster:
1. Drink a lot of water
2. Wait till u have to pee
3. Start runningYou’re welcome
When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.
A table tale✨
#TheRingsOfPower
A great summer prank is to park your car just outside the mall with a fully cooked ham in baby clothes strapped into a child seat.
The part in Forrest Gump where the rich guy decides to quit running and leave his followers out in the desert reminds me a lot of politics
Saw a billboard that said “anxiety? Paranoia? It could be meth.” And it’s like oh my God I’ve been on meth this whole time.
Does the acting in porn have to be THAT bad? I’m not looking for any Meryl Streep performances, but c’mon.
My wife has the worst taste in men.
they say you swallow 8 spiders each year, but what they don’t tell you is that it hits harder if you crush and then snort them
All sex is “make up sex” if you don’t know what you’re doing.
My garden has produced some sick beets, some smashing pumpkins and some red hot chili peppers.
We go on tour in the fall.
One day you’re young and carefree and the next your husband says something like “the bowl can’t be hotter than the soup” and you’re trying to figure out when this old man moved into your home.
“I’m sorry I didn’t see your text, I didn’t have my phone” is bullshit.
“I’m sorry I didn’t see your text, my phone was four feet away and a cat climbed into my lap” is real. It’s possible. It’s terrifying.
[on date]
HER: I cant see u anymore
ME (hiding under table): lol I know
H: no I mean I cant see u anymore
M (still under table): lol I know
*swipes right by accident*
Him: You’re not really my type.
Me: Ignores all red flags from now on.
One time I made my Scottish born mama red beans and rice when she came to Texas for a visit and after she accused me of trying to kill her.
pinnochio trying to win a 40 yard dash by lying as fast as he can at the end
Asked an old couple at work what is the secret to a long marriage
He said “Good reflexes”
She said “Poor aim”
A dollar doesn’t go as far as it used to.
Dollar (out of breath): Screw you.
I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery,
but there will be signs…
I wish I could just drop my body off at the gym and pick it up when it’s ready.
mario: I hate you
wario: and I hate you
mario:
wario:
mario: do you wanna play tennis
wario: lmao hell yeah