For lent I gave up eating random crumbs I find on my desk
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*At funeral*
“Your Mom is so fat”
I said eulogy, not roast.
“oh right, I’m sorry. Your mom WAS so fat…”
Allow me to introduce you to the most ridiculous yet amazing thing you will see this week.
Who called it a henhouse attendant …
and not a chicken tender ?
You wouldn’t hate anything about yourself if the world hadn’t taught you how.
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
[in space]
ASTRONAUT: Up here you can have delusions
ME: Haha I don’t think so
A: They can seem real
GANDALF: Don’t believe him
ME: I don’t
“My dog’s learning to speak a foreign language.”
“Español?”
“No, he’s a labrador.”
A kid came up to me in the grocery store just now and loudly proclaimed, “Kale is my power vegetable! What’s your power vegetable?” I tried to come up with an answer but it was clear that I didn’t have one. They said, “It’s OK. I didn’t find my power vegetable until I was 6.”
“Wife stabs husband with squirrel” was on the news.. Does anyone know how to sharpen a Squirrel?
In the car and passed by a cop and my 12 year old says “everyone be cool! Act normal!”
Expecting that Father of the Year award any day now
“23 and Me” is how Leonardo DiCaprio RSVPs for events.
I was able to secretly eat an entire candy bar with my toddler in the same room so the CIA should be hiring me any minute now.
Looking forward to Keanu Reeves making improvements to his home in the upcoming
Matrix: Renovations
Know when to holdem
*Pick up panties
Know when to foldem
*Fold em
Know when to walk away
*Leave laundromat
Know when to run
*Girl chasing me
If you hate someone on your Christmas list, buy them parakeets.
[me in a zombie apocalypse] okay I think this is a zombie but I don’t want to be rude and presume anything, maybe this lady is just having a rough day, aren’t we all, haha, I’ll just try to go about my business, okay no she’s definitely biting me
Just got kicked out of Chipotle for knowing what I wanted when I got to the front of the line.
Elton John: 🎵Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday🎵
Me: Jesus Christ, we’re just going bowling.
“so what brings you to therapy today?”
Yes, auto-correct, I wanted to wish my friend a happy 4th of Judy.
Baby monitors are pointless because most babies simply stop doing illegal shit as soon as they realize you’ve got their room bugged.
*1st day as the Dr’s assistant*
Igor: lol. for a second there I thought you said a ‘teen-building exercise’.
Dr Frankenstein: that’s correct.
If cauliflower can be pizza and zucchini can be noodles then you too can be anything you want.
My husband and I just met with our financial advisor. Our new retirement plan is to disband, marry much older, wealthier spouses and kind of just wait it out.
priest: [hangs up the phone after talking to his boss for over an hour]”okay, that took a lot of convincing but i managed to talk him round.. yes, you can marry a penguin”
me: “omg he’ll be so pleased”
priest: “wait, did you just say he?”
me: “yes”
priest: [picks up phone again]
the only reason i’m gonna go to my 10 year high school reunion is to see if the kid that wore shorts year round is wearing shorts
My wife wanted me to take her to one of those restaurants where they prepare the food in front of you.
So, I took her to Subways.
The closer the wasp is, the slower the window rolls up.
It’s real life horror movie science
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.