Me: how are you?
Toddler: shitty.
Me: I hear that.
Toddler: can you change me?
Me: I can try but happiness comes from within.
Wife: HIS DIAPER YOU IDIOT.
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Offered my daughter $30.00 to help me get the house clean for our bbq tomorrow.
She hired her younger brothers for $5 each to do her work.
🤦🏻♀️
“Have you considered living on campus?” I ask.
“For a school that’s 30 minutes away? That’s crazy.” My 17 year old answers.
I eat my chili from a small ice cream bowl with an oversized serving spoon (because all of our dishes are in his room) as I stare sadly out the window.
Wish I could cry like movie people with one graceful tear tracking down my face instead of looking like a tomato that fell on the floor.
A life lesson we could all learn from my doggie:
Do NOT pee too close to the cactus.
Our Father, who art in Heaven, Hallowed be thy name
But Imma call you “Hal” for short, ‘k, Chief?
Diet diary, day 3
I am so proud of myself, I refused to eat the birthday cake.
But the cup cakes were amazing.
Today, I shall mostly be drawing little moustaches and monocles on all the spermatozoa in the biology textbooks at the library.
It’s “aisle” not “isle.” If someone’s on the “alcohol isle” that means they’re in Jamaica, not at the grocery store.
Parenting doesn’t prepare you for the awkward glances you get when a naked Ken doll falls out of your briefcase.
ME: (dead silent)
ALEXA: I can hear your heartbeat.
Yesterday was International Day of Happiness. If you find yourself feeling happy today by mistake, don’t panic. Just focus on the news until the feeling passes.
Liam Neeson: What I do have are a very particular set of skills.
Me if I were the kidnapper: *is.
People that freak out about their photos being bookmarked should probably know about the save function. And screenshots.
“You have too much stuff”
– My parents, who constantly leave stuff at my house
Impervious: being an admitted pervert
Scotch neat please
Umm…this is a Starbucks
*sigh
Ok a scotch “grande”
My son just called his mom an “interrupting chicken” so I’m real keen to see how this plays out
And the award for Best Actress goes to…*opens envelope*….my 4 year old daughter for her overly-dramatic scene in “Bath Time”.
If you keep laughing then you’ll always have the last laugh.
The urge to say “yeah you should do that”, especially when you have no clue.
Breakfast is the most important meal of the day, desserts are the second most important.
Your call is very important to us, here’s six days of irritating music.
I got arrested for downloading the whole Wikipedia website.
I told the detective, “Wait! I can explain everything!”
If my grandfather were alive today he’d be trapped in a box underground. Horrible to think about really.
Me: Please be quiet. I’m trying to hear this show.
3-year-old: OK
*breaks into song*
*turns on every talking toy*
*detonates fireworks*
“Wow the Good Doctor is nuts.. can’t believe this is on network TV”
One Tree Hill in 2009:
Knock knock
“Who’s there?”
“Dejav”
“Dejav who?”
Knock knock
I only came because I was told we would be playing Hungry Hungry Hippos.
Bruh. Did y’all know bears DON’T HAVE collarbones and can fit through your DOGGY DOOR?
Because I didn’t.
This text is literally my relationship with my mother: