if your refrigerator’s running i’d take off in the same direction. no time to grab anything just go, run!
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Optometrist: better or worse?
Me: oooo worse – I can see your face now
If it’s unimportant, I’ll remember it.
did you get the job?
“i don’t know yet”
when will they tell you?
interviewer: “keith can you please ask your mum to wait in reception”
My problem isn’t that I lose all my chapsticks. It’s just that I don’t remember which one I used the last time I had the flu.
Spells out “Can you clean the toilet” in candy hearts on the bed.
Once upon a time (today) I had to help with pre school homework
Me: -holds up yellow
Me: What color is this?
4: McDonalds
The end
Free advice: Saying “meaty shaft” in a corporate meeting is like saying bomb on an airplane.
Let’s talk about my ability to hold a grudge. Back in ’78, a friend of mine bought me an album by The Rolling Stones, but she opened it and recorded it first. To this day, I refer to her as “Kathy, you know, the one that opened that album…”
Anyone know a good air guitar repair man?
I broke mine in the last battle.
Do you have hobbies, or did you decide on marriage instead.
my bf is so against gender roles that he won’t let me do his laundry. like, he even writes not to do it on the tags. 🙄😅 so babe, if you’re reading this, I know you said Do Not Machine Wash, Dry Clean Only, but I wanted to surprise you! your suit is in the dryer as we speak 🥰💕
I’m not exaggerating when I say I’m into old guys — the last guy I dated had an aol email address.
I was eliminated as a contestant on Fear Factor after running screaming from a bee.
Killed another house plant but this time it was personal.
Sexy lingerie is for single folks… cause when you married, and you gotta fold that shit, it loses all of its appeal… I’m over here struggling, makin a buncha thong balls… these joints is harder to fold than a fitted sheet… #SaturdayMorning
I ate an entire pound of blueberries today so honestly I hope some oxidants try to step to me I’ll send them crying to their mommies
I opened a door for a girl, but then the crowd flow never stopped so I’ve been holding this door open for 3 days.
Send help.
I’m a confident person until I try to open a plastic produce bag. Then I look like a toddler trying to put a shirt on.
My daughter showed me a shirt at Target and I asked where the rest of it was; my transformation into my father is complete
Not how I expected him to come back but okay.
[First Date]
Me: *licks corner of napkin*
Me: *dabs at his cheek*
Him: ……………
Me: Sorry. Force of habit.
My 61-year-old stepmom loves your product, Mark Zuckerberg.
saying “eat the rich”
-depressing
-been done
-makes people think you’re a cannibalsaying “ok boomer”
-fresh
-new
-hurtful to a generation that ruined the planet and economy
January 2020: New year, new me.
May 2020: *primal scream*
me:
professor x: yes, i can read minds
me:
professor x: yes, i suppose the name alvin and the chimpmunks alludes to he himself not being one
7yo: “Who’s singing this?” Me: “Franz Ferdinand.” 7yo: “But, he died in 1914.” Me:
HUNGOVER IN YOUR 20s
[takes tylenol and goes about the day]
HUNGOVER IN YOUR 30s
[writing letter] Dearest Penelope, I fear this may be the final time I am blessed to feel the warmth of the sun upon my breast. I grow more weary by the moment, and prospects for survival are slim
“I was exposed to COVID and have to quarantine” is now my go to excuse to get out of literally everything.
It’s not a walk of shame if you do the Macarena to your car.
hey there delilah, oh shit no i meant vicky
babe i promise you’re the only one
no this is not a hickey
♪it’s just a bruuuise ♪