Why are flashlights marketed with law enforcement imagery? Every time I need one I feel like I’m some insecure prick trying to act like Rambo. Why are they shaming my need for light that way?
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Actual text from 17 y/o son:
kin u com bi nd swoop me?
I hope he means hit him with my car, because that’s the plan
oh no, steve’s working tonight
bert: i want a divorce
wife: are u…
bert: don’t
wife: *holding in laughter* are u sherbert?
Just found all my fan letters to Wolverine my wife “promised” she mailed stuffed behind the couch. I’m livid.
This Halloween I’m going as that friendly guy who walked around your college campus but wasn’t even enrolled & turned out to be 28 & then disappeared completely
I get out of awkward conversations by pulling a balloon out, making a dog and just say I need to take it for a walk.
I do really good on my diet for like 8 or 9 hours, and then I wake up.
The news keeps talking about how someone is in a “very uncomfortable space”. And in my mind I keep yelling back, “WHAT, LIKE THE BACK OF A VOLKSWAGEN?”.
I’d like to think my children have so much more to learn from me but my son asked me how big the sun is and I replied with “big” so chances are I’ve already taught them everything I know.
I think they should use stronger sealant on cookie packaging so at least you get a decent workout before eating the entire box.
How about a meat that is also a dental floss? – Pitch for prosciutto
Son:Dad’s trick or treating as a ghost in a bed sheet?
Wife:& heels,eye patch & his hand stuck in a Nutella jar. More like a ghost on ambien
I feel like before a bee stings a human, all his dumb bee friends are like “you can totally take him.”
If I ever become rich, you know where all my money is going?
To the bank
My safe word is now just a dry cough.
gas pump: see attendant
me: looks like i no longer need gas
i once saw a pigeon on the subway & it got off at the financial district & all i could think was “cool. that bird makes more money than me”
What in the hell is “disposable income”?
this royal photo stuff… funny how you all suddenly feel like you have a license to talk about women’s bodies… newsflash: some women have zippers in their hair. some women’s legs are too small and oddly bent in on themselves. some women don’t have reflections
Ladies,
When someone asks why you’re single, tell them you’re overqualified.
You want me to respect scientists. The people who almost killed E.T.
*At Super Bowl Party*
Hey baby, they’ve got a WHOLE bunch of shrimp here, did you bring the big purse?
The fact that Mitt Romney opted to see Twilight instead of Lincoln this weekend probably sums up what his presidency would’ve been like.
Why can’t there be nostril pattern baldness?
I’m not saying it’s been a while, but, the last time a girl got down on her knees for me, she showed me how to tie my shoelaces.
Angel of Death: I have killed the firstborn of Egypt
God: Killed?! You were supposed to “thrill” them! You know, take them out for a night on the town
Angel of Death: But…but…
God: Hahaha, you should see your face. No I definitely wanted those kids dead
It sucks that boomers got sports cars for their mid-life crisis but I’m probably just gonna start playing World of Warcraft again
Stan was confident he was no longer able to make quick getaways because the holes were now smaller.
Caveman Summer
Dad: Go. Play. Outside.
8: But I want to draw on walls
D: GO!
8: Fine!
*he goes
Mom: Why don’t you go with him?
D: Dinosaurs
If the interviewer asks where you see yourself in 5 years
Standing naked on top of a fire truck does not appear to be the correct answer