my boss, the chef: you can’t beat eggs for breakfast
me, making an omelette: what
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I don’t know why people pay therapists to tell them what’s wrong with their lives when I’ll do it for free.
If you’re a helicopter pilot and you don’t keep a ‘flying for dummies’ book in your cockpit, you’re missing a great opportunity for a giggle
I learned about self care from watching my cat.
[at Subway]
Them: What kind of cheese?
Me: Surprise me.[at home]
Netflix: 🔀 Surprise Me?
Me: Not Today Satan.
My Family: Show us on the doll where you…where you touched yourself.
*I slowly point to the doll’s face, everyone erupts in sobs and wailing*
I used to be embarrassed when people held my money up in the light to check for fraud but now it’s just another atta girl that my art degree and life of crime is paying off.
a true american can survive on just corn syrup and debt
Reasons to have a landline phone:
1. To find your cell phone when it’s missing
2. See reason #1
If there’s a “Mr.” in front of your cat’s name you’re going to die alone.
My washing machine shakes so much it moves across the floor and I’m pretty sure it’s trying to escape because I work it too hard
Me: What’s an easy oatmeal cookie recipe?
Every recipe website: While I was technically born in Ohio in 1983, my soul was born last summer in rural Tuscany…
When my husband and I first moved in together we lived in a shady part of town. My dad told us we would be probably get robbed. The worst thing that happened was our neighbors having sex directly across from our balcony with the window and curtains open.
I put on a blue vest and walked out of Lowe’s with 9 hammers
Just ONCE, I’d like took deep into your beautiful eyes, and make hot sweet love with you without some pop-up window ruining the mood.
I always carry a condom in my wallet in case a date goes unexpectedly well & I need to impress her with my balloon animals skills.
Dogs will go through amazing effort to get a better view of your plate
No chill.
who called it oktoberfest instead of septembeer?
I have decided to leave my past behind me.. so If I owe you money..I’m sorry. but I’ve moved on.
My grandpa is on his third wife. The first, I called Nana. The second, I called Mawmaw. Look, I don’t have another cute name in me. That’s just Brenda.
don’t ask what my resolution is. there are 3 days left in this garbage year and i am focusing on being my worst possible self for every minute of them. “exercise more” “eat better” go to hell, im gonna burn down a tgi fridays
We’re intellectual opposites.
You’re intellectual and I’m opposite.
Wife and I saw a woman smiling on the street, carrying a baby while helping her younger child ride a tricycle, and the first thing we both said was, “Why the hell is she smiling?”
In hell you’re given 1 child and you have all of eternity to get that child to finish their dinner.
You can tell a lot about people, you just don’t need to.
Watching Home Alone in 1990: oh poor Kevin, all alone with no family to celebrate the holidays
Watching Home Alone in 2018: that lucky little punk
If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a thousand times: “I can’t keep track of how often I say things.”
no april fools jokes for us as we are in the middle of a pandemic. having said that, goofy has died.
We always tell unpopular people to get in the dustbin of history, but we never tell unpopular mountains to get in the toilet of geography.
Pro tip: when your neighbors make you mad, send your 8 y/o son over to describe in complete detail what all 379 of his Hot Wheels look like