I THOUGHT IT WAS AN EDIBLE
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Families that do Christmas card photo shoots months before Christmas have the organizational skills of high-level Nazis.
“Can I be honest with you?”
Me- no, thank you
Me: Let me stay over. I’ll burn you breakfast in the morning.
Her: You mean BRING me breakfast.
Me: *pulls battery from smoke alarm* Yeah
Me: Define Illegal
Cop: You’re drunk, riding a horse, shooting a gun and yelling ‘For Narnia’
Me: I want my lawyer.
Me: Got any 7s?
Wife: Go fish
Me: *returns from Bering Strait a changed man* I watched the sea take my best friend to his grave. Got any 3s?
90% of my life is convincing others that I, an idiot, am not an idiot.
The other 10% is using my phone’s flashlight to help me find my phone.
I always carry a PEBBLE with me to throw at people who sing Christmas songs in November…
I call it my jingle bell rock.
My 5yo can’t remember to take off his shirt before showering but he remembered that a month ago I said we’d go to the water park on Saturday
I only share nudes on the off chance that person is a doctor and can spot a weird mole.
Affordable healthcare, bb!
Well, well, well, look who is who he says he is.
~The guy with the blue check by his name.
[cocktail party]
Me: [swirls brandy]
Brandy: PUT ME DOWN
me: truth or dare
government: truth
me: is Wyoming real
government: dare
When witches and warlocks correspond about their carnal passions, they’re hexting
I dunno, I guess it started when my parents got married in a gazebo
I literally got fired from a job for not knowing what to do with my hands when I talk. I guess sign language interpreting just wasn’t for me
[goes to museum of fine art]
“Just how fine can this art be, anyway”
[sees a vase in a thong]
“oh damn”
[interview for an accounting job]
Your resumé says your greatest strength is using idioms. How can that help in this job?“You do the math”
Them: What inspires you to get up every day and get out of bed?
Me: My bladder mostly.
I bet newlyweds never wonder if their spouse is snoring that loud on purpose
It was the kind of movie that kept you on the edge of your seat, waiting for something interesting to happen.
If I give up my seat for you on the bus, it’s my right to stand in front of you and stare down your blouse. I think it’s in the Bible.
do you think that when our civilization falls, future archaeologists will find all those ‘guy ate here!’ signs and think that guy fieri was our emperor
[trying to impress date]
Him: I want someone who’s not afraid of a little PDA.
Me: *keys I WANT THE SEX into the side of his car*
This is the tale of Callie who started a service to provide fortune telling and hypnotism while driving people around. As time went on her clairvoyance weakened but her suggestive power grew.
She’s…..
Uber Callie fragile mystic expert at hypnosis
You see some crazy stuff when you’re out late at night smearing raccoon blood on your neighbours windows.
“Oh, you’re left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I’m just doing it for show
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: *sliding off of elephant* Zoo wants its elephant back?
COP: *nodding* The zoo wants its elephant back.
me: aw i look so cute
my camera: are you in the right headspace to receive information that could possibly hurt you?
Dogs can’t talk and everyone loves them, coincidence, I think not.
Diamonds aren’t a girl’s best friend.
Perfectly regulated office temperatures are a girl’s best friend.