Bad news world, my biker gang ‘The Sons Of Panicky’ are finally back out on the streets and oh my god the traffic is SO heavy, maybe we should go back and try again tomorrow
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Couldn’t remember the name ‘komodo dragon’ earlier so I called it a biguana.
10 signs that he’s just not that into you
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10. He is a cat.
We’re all 60% water, so get off your high horse “aqua” man
I could never be an Instagram mom influencer. For starters, I wouldn’t be able to give my kids a name like Banjo or Parmesan or Chandelier.
Not much, just measuring things in cups to annoy Europeans, what about you?
*elbows date in ribs*
“see that asterisk next to the ‘have it your way’ slogan?”
where it says “within reason?”
“that’s because of me”
my kids: i can’t wait! we’re going to the beach! squee!
also my kids: ew! i hate sand! get it off of me!
*at divorce court
Me: She hasn’t touched Mr. Peppy in 10 years, your Honor.
Judge: I’m sorry – What??
Her: I win, right?
If you see someone looking too confident at the grocery store, ask them where the velveeta is.
Instructions for frozen chicken pot pie:
1. Preheat oven to 400
2. Cook on baking sheet for 16 days
3. Let stand 5 minutes before serving
just saw Netflix went up to $19.99/month and all I gotta say is for the person who’s been letting me use theirs for the past few years…please stay strong 🙏
itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself….
-history
If Mr Krabs owned a bar
*text alert*
me: i hope that’s my crush
pharmacy: thanks for picking up your antipsychotics today
There is absolutely nothing to stop your dentist from putting small tracking devices in your mouth. How would you know. You wouldn’t
My dad called me last night and said “I’ve been reading through your tweets and I hate to break it to you but there’s no way you can run for public office now”
the small neighbor human. is hanging outside with some ice cream. and it is melting. way faster than it is being eaten. the only real solution here. is for me to trot over and help
Hide and seek, except it’s my husband searching for where he last put his pants.
In RL I’m a car salesman. Which means its my job to know how many bodies fit in the trunk of a car officer. This is all work related.
A wine sampling? How delightful. I’d also like to experience only a titch of love and a morsel of happiness.
Playing catch with my 8yo, I missed a high throw and said “could’ve got that in my 30s.” He replied “oh yea when you get old you get shorter.”
Parents: lying is bad
Also parents: if the ticket guy asks, you’re still 11
Me: You said you wouldn’t dream of disturbing me
my kid: Yeah, but this isn’t a dream
My daughter has decided singing happy birthday to her is punishable by death
Maternity confirmed
A city girl was bequeathed an inn, but it’s all run down and doesn’t have any water and the only person in town for the holidays is the ruggedly handsome guy who just lost his wife
I took a DNA test and i’m actually 17% cheddar cheese now
9:30am meeting for my new job tomorrow and I really can’t believe people start work at the break of dawn like this.
Uses power washer to clean food stained Tupperware.
A Facebook group named “Humans Against Herd Behavior” was created yesterday. So far, 10,000 people have joined the group.
a one man band getting kicked out of a zumba class