Ever since I found out cats don’t meow to other cats, that’s just some shit they learned to manipulate humans and moews are supposed to mimic infant human cries I’m noticing a lot of fake shit about my cat
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My boyfriend threw out the packaging for our turkey crown. The packaging with the cooking instructions on it. Because I am a generous and mature person I said “never mind, I should have said.” And HE SAID “yes you should have really”.
And that’s what happened your honour.
don’t ask me “what dat mouth do?” if you’re not prepared to hear it burp the alphabet.
Oh my god
Based on her reaction I don’t think my toddler will ever forgive me for gently wiping her face.
I’m not country but I did just stop my car on the side of the road so I could put three goats in the backseat to take home and cut my grass.
I was helping my son with his geography homework and I told him that the capital of Iceland was New Bjork so now I have another meeting with his teacher.
If your boss asks you to organize a corporate team building event he does not mean organize a happy hour.
I know this now.
*putting 4 to bed*
Me: we’re going to have a better day tomorrow, right?
4: no
Me: I just mean there was too much crying and whining today… so let’s try less crying and whining tomorrow
4: no, I won’t do that
Me:
4:
Me: ok, good talk
4: no
Nothing says “I love you mom” like my 6yo asking me who gets my iPad when I die.
starbuck cashier: can i get a name
guy ordering in front of me: it’s Ben
me: ONE WEEK since you looked at me
SORRY I GOT IN THE VAN AND ATE ALL OF THE CANDY AND NOW YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH ME.
me: congrats, when is the baby due
pregnant librarian: oh it’s mine i get to keep it
They say Stouffer’s family-size lasagna serves 6.
Challenge accepted. [grabs fork]
Our first Skype date was going really well until she figured out I was using her WiFi…from her porch.
Jesus Christ is trending? What the heck did he do THIS time?
If you’re stupid and you know it close your mouth.
Hey, girl. I noticed you checking out my Hello Kitty socks. Just so you know…the boxers match.
*winks*
If my Fitbit really wanted me to be more active it would tell me there’s food at my door.
my family was too poor for a gene pool, so we soaked our genes in rye whiskey.
*raises hand* is it bc of the gravity
[Playing piano to impress a Russian girl]
“Do you like it?”
Her: That’s sheet music
“Yes, it is.”
Her: Now excuse me, I huv to take a sheet.
Went to bed with wet hair and woke up looking like I might know a lot about astrophysics
Not saying Lois Lane is a shitty reporter but my friend showed up without his glasses on today and I recognized him after like 20 minutes.
*cop frisking me*
Cop: “theres nothin in your pockets that will poke me, right?”
Uh, no
Cop: “OW!”
*baby porcupine jumps out*
RUN POKEY, RUN
“How much for this melted ghost?”
Sir that’s a bed sheet
“You have a lot of them! And they’re packaged? IS THIS GHOST HELL”
This is a Macys
*phone falls*
Me: Oh No my phone!!!
*friend falls*
Me: Hahahahaha idiot!
Some people don’t know the opposites to these words:
1. Always
2. Coming
3. From
4. Take
5. Me
6. Down
[Facepainting Booth]
Mum: Er…she wanted a butterfly…
Me: I only do toads
Mum: Well you should say that bef-
Me: *taps “TOADS ONLY” sign*
Womens clothing designers: would you like it skin tight?
Me: uh no
WCD: how about moomoo?
Me: can I have something in between?
WCD: no can do
I was in the first Top Gun movie.
I was the Marine actually working out in the background while the Navy took time off to play little volleyball games.