[putting on wedding dress]
me: I feel like I’m making a big mistake
maid of honor: yes the bride should be wearing that
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interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
me: [seeing myself living in the woods, consumed by my own fears, writing a surreal manifesto] in marketing
leaving hand sanitiser and a thermometer gun out for santa this year instead of milk and cookies
Friend: We could to Jurassic Park but there are pros and cons
Me: Like what?
Friend: They have dinosaurs. And you can die
Me: And what are the cons?
My therapist: You cannot be in gratitude and have resentment at the same time.
Me: OK I am grateful for this list of my enemies. It helps me to resent them in a very organized way.
Just took my girlfriend to the movies and now I’m $10,000 in debt.
It’s curious how kids are always *really* hungry right before dinner and right after dinner, but never during actual dinner.
*married driving*
Her: ‘You should pass this guy.’
Me: ‘You should have told me that vasectomy was completely unnecessary.’
As a mom, I’m super excited about the rock collection my daughter just told me she’s starting.
Worth the read.
My Mom says since I’m 33 years old she no longer has to watch me do sweet cannonballs at the pool. That’s total bullshit.
It’s crazy how quick women are to cut each other’s throats over a guy!
I mean I’d understand if it were shoes….but a guy???
Me:[slathers self in butter]
Them: I said BETTER! Better yourself!
Birthdays were invented by big wax corporations to sell more candles with numbers on them.
*holds seashell to ear*
[ocean sounds]
[ocean sounds]
[“Remember to click ‘subscribe’ & to rate & leave a com-]
*throws shell into the sea*
Overheard: “My dad froze my account and I only had $4 in my pocket last night so I went to the Sunoco and bought 3 scratch offs and won $15 so guess who’s going out tonight”
Step 1: Buy a 3D printer.
Step 2: Print a 3D printer.
Step 3: Return the 3D printer.
13: Mom I love Spanish class and guess what!
Me: What?
13: I’m already fluent… un, deux, trois.
Me:
13: Oh wait, that’s French.
Friend: If you love cheeseburgers so much, why don’t you marry one?!
*looks at wife, wife shakes her head
Me: I’m not allowed
*kicks dirt
Saint Peter: Name
M: David
SP: You’re in
M: Even after that night in Nogales?!
SP *winks*
*takes a step*
*trap door opens*
SP: Sucka!
Hard as they try, cats are absolutely not helpful when making beds.
Earth is huge. There must be like 9 or 10 different countries on this thing.
Transcript of Paul Ryan’s life since endorsing Trump
My husband slowed down the car so he could check out someone’s well-manicured lawn. You see what I have to compete with?
Bobcat Escapes National Zoo #WhatDoYouThink?
why yes i studied sports medicine at the university of phoenix. *puts stethoscope on basketball, nods*
if you’re hiding from a deranged killer and forget to put your phone on silent, at least make the ringtone the benny hill theme.
Eve: I got an Apple.
Adam: …
Eve: …
Adam: …
Eve: What?
Adam: I thought we’d decided on Android.
Eve: The serpent said this was better.
Emotional support bacon is a thing right? Because I’m on pound number 2
My legs are so sore from the gym that I almost couldn’t walk to the donut shop.
Autocorrect changed “panic attack” to “pancake attack” and now I’m hysterical AND hungry.