You say jump I say how high. You say run I say how fast. You say lets hang out I say no.
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Adding “and shit” to the end of a sentence to make it sound cooler and shit.
HER: I’d invite you in, but I never kill on a first date
ME: kill?
HER: haha I meant kiss stupid autocorrect
ME: we are talking out loud
“10 Things I Hate About You” is my favorite movie that sounds like a bitter Buzzfeed article
The neighbor is having an open home
How long should I stand at my front door naked yelling at birds?
(during sex)
Don’t move! Don’t move! A pickle and the second of my two all-beef patties is stuck in your hair.
Mystery novels gave me unrealistic expectations of how often murders would be committed by butlers
Me after learning something literally 5 min ago:
Everybody else who doesn’t know this thing is an idiot
when i’m dying please rush me to the nearest haunted house. i don’t want to haunt a shitty apartment by myself.
Nothing makes me feel more “white collar” than when I’m nodding my head at someone pointing to a line graph that I know nothing about.
Every time I steal lunch from the office fridge I can’t help but think, I wish my coworkers would pack larger lunches.
*bangs gavel*
wife: who???
I have way less energy than your average haunted doll.
This guy walked up to me and said he knew me from somewhere but couldn’t place where. I asked if he’d ever worked in a liquor store and guess what you guys?
Prosecutor (showing slide): Is this your Yelp review history?
Me: Yes but
Prosecutor: 26 proctologists?
Me: What you have to understand is
Prosecutor: You described this one as “pleasantly judgmental”
I am hoping the next jump in human evolution removes humanity’s desire to find plot holes in joke tweets.
when I was 8 i stayed for dinner at a friend’s house and at dinner his Mom asked how everyone’s day was and his Dad said ‘A corpse exploded in the van again, got some in Gary’s hair too.’ His Dad was a Funeral Director and i was not allowed to have dinner there anymore.
Onion rings
Me: “Hello?”
Nobody:
Baby Carrot Factory Foreman: “Carrots are nice, but how about we pour a cup of water into each bag too?”
[Jesus on the cross]
*texts with 1 hand* “um dad y hav u 4saken me wtf”
*5 hrs pass*
“new phone. who dis?”
God: you’re a dove.
Dove: ok.
God: do you know what that means?
Dove: white pigeon?
God: what-no it means I’ve chosen you to represent my Holy Spirit.
Dove: [scared] g-ghost pigeon?
You’re not allowed to donate blood if you’ve listened to Kid Rock in the last 6 months.
Her: I’d really love some flowers.
Him: Orchids?
Her: No, just flowers.
Judge: Do you understand the charges filed against you?
Me: Yes, Your Majesty.
Judge: Your Honor.
Me: Oh, Thank you….
American: We’re really not that gun-obsessed.
Brit: Where did you get that t-shirt.
American:
Brit:
American: FROM A CANNON BUT THAT’S NOT THE POINT
I finally got eight hours sleep. Took me four days but whatever.
“I WAS SUPPORTING LOCAL BUSINESSES!” I screamed my scale.
Me: A lady never reveals her age.
Dr: For the final time, Ursula, I AM YOUR DOCTOR!
Me: FINE! *sigh* 37
Dr: thank you
Me: ish
You hear the words “gamer girl bath water” and suddenly you all know what a bath is
Her: We need to talk
Me: *tucking in my pet racoon* Why?
*shuts down road going both ways*
Right over here, officer. Here is where the accident happened.
*pulls tiny sheet over squirrel*