Me: “You kids aren’t getting any more toys until you take care of the ones you have!”
Grandma: “Here are 8,000 new toys just for existing.”
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This new thesaurus isn’t just terrible, it’s also terrible.
when your ex needs to go to space about it, you won the divorce
3yo: I don’t wanna go to sleep
Me: your body needs sleep to grow
3yo: but I’m already growed
Me: how do you think I got so big
3yo: by eating
Me:
Picture this. You’re blind folded. Sandra Bullock tells you not to look. You look. You’re surrounded by garbage and dirty socks. But how can this be? It smells amazing? This is a febreeze commercial.
When they spot a towel hanging neatly on a rack, teens consider it a personal challenge to rip it down, wad it up & leave it on the floor.
Cats playing poker makes more sense. Dog’s tails would be a tell.
Nothing takes longer than a kid telling you a joke they just made up.
Whenever I see a dog in a movie, none of the rest of the movie makes sense.
Why are you dealing with all this conflict and drama?
WHY AREN’T YOU AT HOME WITH YOUR DOG??
inventor: “i’ve made the most realistic sex doll in the world, ask it something”
me: “ok, um.. shall we go upstairs?”
doll: “i like you as a friend”
me:
inventor:
me: “do you have anything less realistic”
Damn girl are you a bra because ur very supportive but I can’t figure out how to get you off
Practicing safe sax
God: remember when I went to the bathroom and left you alone in my office?
Lion: yes.
God: did you uh do anything while I was gone?
Lion: no why?
[Mountain Lion, Sea Lion and Lionfish peek around the corner]
God: I guess I’ll delete them then.
Lion: ThEY aRe My cHiLdREn!
My wife took me to the most amazing 3D movie I had ever seen last night. Half way through it I realized: we were at a play.
I have no idea where my birth certificate or social security card are, but here are 417 receipts from Target from the past 2 years.
My 3yo cried all morning because she doesn’t have a shell on her back like a turtle. She wants a shell on her back. A SHELL! Kids are fun.
I’m starting an eraser company and looking to get the word out
I only shop at yard sales for haunted family heirlooms & lingerie.
I thought I needed to get a divorce and start a new life in a foreign country and then I realized I was just hungry.
Why it’s called a cellular membrane and not a gene-jacket I’ve no idea.
John: There are places…
Paul: I remember
George: All my life, though…
Ringo: How can antibiotics and pro-biotics both be good for you
Mary had a little lamb. The doctors are all really confused.
Him: I’m a pilot. Got a degree in aviation, thousands of flight hours, a lot-
Me: I’m a pilot too! Hot air balloons.
Him: That’s really not the same at all, you-
Me: *pantomiming pulling a chain*
Him: How do you even steer?
Me: *shrugs* Anyway, we have the same job.
#Itssocoldthat..A streaker froze in mid-streak! The town council just stuck a plaque on him and pretended he was a Greek statue until spring
I’m having a garage sale & hope people I’ve borrowed things from don’t come.
Welcome to your 40s: the good news is you only gained a single pound, the bad news is you did it ten times.
Oh, you’re a witch? Name three children you’ve eaten.
Gonna trade in my wife’s menstrual cycle for a really cool mountain bike.
Every one of my neighbors has offered to help me move which would be extremely nice if I had plans to sell my house.
Before joining Twitter I thought I was stupid. But now I’ve realised I’m not alone.