I sold the armchair I had in my room and now I have nowhere to put my clean laundry and stare at it for 8 days??
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Marriage counsellor: What’s the problem?
Wife: He is so literal. It drives me mad.
MC: And how do you feel, Stephen?
Me: With my hands.
I like my coffee black just like my sabbath
My daughter has created a new game show where she puts her shoes all over the house and then asks us where they are
10 out of 10 babies hate my baby launcher
Lobsters: grabby hands
Mobsters: stabby hands
Heard someone on TV talking about a “decades old” song and my mind immediately went to the 1970s.
2001. The song they were talking about was from 2001.
Just when you think you’re raising a normal child, one day you look at your 10 y/o and she’s biting into the middle of the taco first.
[starts Power Point presentation titled “Why I’m Breaking Up With You”]
Him: Wait, what the–?
Me: Please hold all questions until the end.
[raises hand in math class]
HOW DO PEOPLE WHO WORK AT THE SPAM CORPORATION KNOW WHEN THEY’RE GETTING UNSOLICITED EMAIL?
After dinner last night my wife brought out 5 cupcakes for dessert and said, one for every person in the family. There’s only 4 of us so I had a mini panic attack thinking we were going to have 3 kids under 4 and once she saw my face she screamed, I can’t count, I can’t count!
if u think ur house is haunted get a cat. whooshing sound? it’s the cat. hear footsteps? def the cat. unseen being devouring your soul? cat.
Ironically, it’s my humility that makes me so much better than everyone else.
My date spent all night telling me that she loved Bad Boys – Then seemed disappointed when we got back to mine and I put the DVD on.
me: why do you think my parents don’t love me?
therapist: they’re pretty clear about it in the group chat
me: the what
If zombies eat brains, 90% of Twitter is safe.
There’s a great new book on minimalism but I only read the blurb because I believe that’s what the author would want.
The mice in my apartment left me a note that said as long as I keep buying store brand graham crackers, there’s no need for traps.
Yes, it was me. I pulled over and tried to coax those kittens into my van. You can keep your kids. I just want the kittens.
Toddler: My feet are cold, do you have any feet warm stuff?
Me: Yes, socks
Toddler: No!!
I accidentally put my yoga pants on backwards this morning; and I’m absolutely horrified to say, they’ve never fit better.
Ten things only 90s people remember:
1. 1990
2. 1991
3. 1992
4. 1993
5. 1994
6. 1995
7. 1996
8. 1997
9. 1998
10. That sound the modems made
I thrive on chaos!
*breaks spaghetti noodles in half*
Not sure if this girl I’m talking to online is real, so on our first date I’m gonna bring an image captcha for her to solve.
me: I guess you could say I’m at the end of my rope
executioner: how are you talking
Let’s get married, have kids and buy a house where it’ll either be too cold or too hot for someone every day forever.
I walk around my yard a lot and usually I’m singing softly to myself as I do, which looks like I’m talking to myself because I’m not even listening to music, which is probably why people cross the street before they pass by my house
Flock of bats
Me when I get ten emails in a minute at work
Wife: Hey *waking me up* you got really drunk last night
Me: You can’t prove that
Taco Bell employee: No we can