ed has no gf cuz sheran away
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It’s the embarrassment, not the blunt force trauma that kills you when you’re hit by a Smart car.
“I have the memory ofGOD DAMMIT LINE PLEASE!”
“An elephant, Dumbo. You have the memory of an elephant.”
“
My husband asked me to iron a shirt, so to be nice, I went out and bought him the same shirt with no wrinkles.
Just once I wanna slide down a dinosaur at the end of my workday, is that so much to ask for?
doctor: “how much exercise do you do per week?”
me: “um.. does sex count?
doctor: “yes”
me: “absolutely none”
buy a fitted sheet one size bigger than your mattress and start living your life
exclusively asking for swords for Christmas and if I get even one everyone who didn’t get me one better watch out
It must be almost impossible for chalk-outline guys not to turn victims’ hands into turkeys this time of year.
Me: I got a new car!
Him: What kind of mileage does it get? What’s the horsepower? How long is the powertrain warranty?
Me: It’s red.
what do you want!!!!!!!!
“if your electricity goes out, you come see me before you do anything else.”
-fuse box on a power trip.
This is always good for a laugh.
the song “pour some sugar on me” was written about shredded wheat cereal and i won’t be taking any discussion on this.
The irony of my developing severely crippling stomach cramps minutes after reading a cheesy old love story isn’t lost on me.
*faints*
The Windows weather app shows moon rise and set times. Who is this information for? Werewolves?
Right before you die, maybe yell out something funny, like “hi God- wait a minute, YOU’RE NOT GOD”
[on a date]
ME: Tell me about yourself.
DATE: October 5.[later]
ME: When can I see you again?
DATE: Maybe in a year.
So honored that @funTweeters chose one of my tweets! I absolutely love that site! #FF
[inventing oatmeal]
make sure it never comes out of the bowl once it dries
*Christmas with The Schrödingers
Dr. Erwin Schrödinger: [shaking a wrapped box, excited] Is it a new cat?
*His family smiles nervously at each other
Me: (squeezing into a gown) I’m so sick of the fashion industry. Who do you even make these clothes for? Children?
Disney Store clerk: Yes.
Mom: if your friends jumped off a bridge, would you jump too?
Me, friendless: rub it in a little more, Judy
BOSS: you’re late
ME: *grabs cup out of his hand* it’s pronounced “latte” but thanks
Bought a kazoo to stick in my husband’s mouth when he snores so he can wake himself up in the most annoying way possible
No one likes my practical joke of licking all the spoons in their house at 3am and that’s why I need my feelings journal today
People ask what personal grooming products I use. I just get whatever is on offer in the supermarket, so this week cat food & grapes.
I’m not afraid to run into an ex here. Her tweets would be all lame like ‘my dog is cute’ and mine would be all cool like ‘I love you Susan’
I’m like a semicolon; most people don’t know what to do with me.
I just observed a sign that said “How do nudists clean their glasses?” so there’s that question to keep you up at night.
Nothing says “high-functioning alcoholic” like being really good at darts.