arnold schwarzenegger opening a flower shop saying things like “come with me if you want tulips” and “it’s not a petunia” and “your clovers. give them to me”
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[ funeral ]
me: *whispering* i never know what to do w my hands
her: *also whispering* well you can definitely stop clapping
Fred: You and Scooby go investigate. Velma, Daphne, and I will be in the Sex Machine.
Shaggy: The Mystery Machine?
Fred: Um, ya, whatever.
Inmate: here’s the rule: find the biggest, baddest dude in the yard and…
Me: (sigh) don’t fall in love…
Sorry I mostly speculated about my missing stapler in your leaving card.
What I say:
Play outside.What my kid hears:
Find a spot in the yard where I can’t see you so I constantly imagine you’ve been kidnapped.
Can’t wait to see my CW’s face Monday morning when she asks me how my weekend was, and I tell her I took a bunch of tramadol and fell asleep in the garden with my chickens.
“It’s not you, it’s me.” -Twins looking at some family photos
damn boy, are you Comic Sans? because I cannot take you seriously
Did you try turning your relationship off and then back on again?
“You can hide but you can’t run,”
– Mama tortoise giving the lowdown to her kids
[1st day as criminal sketch artist]
Victim: He was blonde had blue eyes, he was about 6ft t….
Me: I’m gonna need a longer sheet of paper
Me: i hate it when I have to come in to work
Boss: i hate it when you have to come to work, too
Uhh, hells yeah Id like to participate in your brief survey.
Did you guys hear about the “internet”? Apparently you can say literally anything there
“This year sucked, next year will suck too.” Enough negativity, let’s hear something aspirational. In 2024 we will put all tik tok content creators in jail
They’re on their honeymoon
[Seahawks locker room]
Coach: okay if we want to win we will need to have a bigger number for the score!
Wilson: well put! Well put!
I’m walking on sunshine, AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH and I’m startin’ to feel
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH THIS IS TERRIBLE
*yawns, while roaring like a dinosaur*
*everyone in the church looks at me*
*waves with T-rex arms*
People: My cell phone isn’t working today
Cell phone carrier: The sun spit on us.
People: Doesn’t it do that all the time though?
Cell phone carrier: Big spit. Huge.
I know the birds that flew south for winter mad as hell right now.
I’m sorry your tc cheated on you with their spouse, will you please stop writing poems now
With all the ways to contact me on social media these days the police still smash through my door unannounced again?
Plowing through the mosh pit like hi *boop*…hi *boop*…hi *boop*
When a little kid starts crying at a sad part in a movie so you quickly explain it’s all make-believe to make her feel better but she starts crying louder because she just realized all the movies that made her happy are bullshit too.
9YO: What will we be watching for the the family movie night
Me: Hang on, give me a…
7YO *sighs*: … We’ll be watching daddy play 24 trailers and then fall asleep
*puts down window
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Yes
*puts up window and drives away
Her: U ready for the next Star Wars?
Me: *sweating* Did we win the last one?
I went for a drive but I forgot my glasses. I didn’t even realize I had forgotten them until the guy lying on my windshield said something.