This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.
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Me: Phone a friend
Judge: That’s not how this works
Please remind your boss & Aunt Linda that I’ve trademarked the phrase “in these uncertain times” and they each owe me 50 bucks.
I swallow at least one note per meal that says “we’re all really proud of you,” in case the person who does my autopsy is having a bad day.
If you don’t think monkeys are adorable, then you can suck macaque.
Oh my. I haven’t laughed this hard in a while. Good ol’ Winnipeg. 🤣
In the lobby of an office building in Toronto. I guess to make sure employees are flooded with resentment the instant they walk in the door?
Like dudes straight up do not pay attention. It took Bruce Willis 2 hours and 10 minutes to realize he was a damn ghost in the Sixth Sense.
Me: I’m so bored.
Dog: Have you considered running from window to window and barking at stuff outside?
Me: That’s the dumbest ide- OHMIGOD! *runs to window* The FedEx truck! *runs to other window* It might be my Amazon delivery! *runs to front door* IT’S TURNING UP OUR STREET!
This is sending me to another galaxy
PILOT OVER INTERCOM: alright folks, by a show of hands, who has ever made a small and understandable mistake?
Growing up I didn’t think the expensive addiction that would ruin me would be Heinz ketchup but here we are
My cat has taught me that an 80:20 ratio of sleep to physical activity is really the way to go
[at party]
wife: well I guess we should try and mingle
me: ok
wife:
me: sooo how are u and the kids doing
wife: omg I meant with other people
I’m making all of the random open bags of things in our freezer for dinner. Everyone gets 4 chicken nuggets, 5 tater tots, 6 fries, and an onion ring.
[Creation]
God: “Give them hair up their nose”
Angel: “Hair? But why?”
God: “To catch their snot”
Angel: “Snot?”
Just found out my old gym is a 5 Guys now
Renewed my membership this morning
I’ve often wondered whether baby deer are left or right handed. Turns out they’re bambidextrous.
boss: you’re fired. clean out your desk.
me, a janitor: look, am I fired or not?
Joey does not share food! Except it’s me slapping my nephew’s hand away from my pancakes.
flight attendant: sir, are you raising your hand
me: how do i access the wifi
fa: im doing safety announcements
me: is that lowercase
“Look, when I signed up for the Marines I had no idea they might order me to do things I don’t feel like doing.”
Its real cute how pedestrians confuse “right of way” with immortality.
I’m doing the lords work (judging)
It could have been love, but then I caught her putting a perfectly good steak in an air fryer.
Anyone really
If a cannibal ate a comedian, that would lead to some funny shit.
*Me coming home with a Bloodied nose*
Wife: OMG, Are you OK?
Me: I’m fine, You should see the other Guy!
Wife: I agree, He’s taller and better looking.
Me: Wait, What??
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
TAYLOR SWIFT: Aw here are some band aids
ME: THOSE DON’T FIX BULLETHOLES
TS: *picks up guitar* …brb
ME: I’M STILL DYING
CRAIGSLIST AD: Wanted – chicken nugget shaped like Rafael. Have 2 Leonardo’s, willing to trade. Serious offers only. No Michaelangelo’s.
This is why I hate group projects