This made me chuckle.
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Her: Hey, I was just thinking about you.
Me: Isn’t it fun?
Hackers in movies think they’re so cool they can get any password in five mins flat. Well so can I. Just that it’s for my own accounts.
Putting Mr. Bean in charge of the country would be a sweeping intellectual renaissance at this point.
Ancient guys used to invent good stuff because they never had to untangle their headphones seventy three times every day.
There are two types of women: the ones who buy cute new clothes for a trip and the ones who pack old stretchy leggings and tops expecting full well to gain 5 lbs in 4 days, of which I am the latter
her: why are u breaking up with me
me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
My three-hour meeting ended 18 minutes early and the leader told us all to “enjoy that free time, take care of ourselves and relax” like she had just given us all free weeklong Princess cruises
waiter: want to hear our lunch specials?
me: sure
waiter: we have a caesar salad, clam chowder, or club sandwich
me: those things are on the normal menu
waiter: yes but right now you can get them $18
me: they’re usually $12
waiter: today they’re special
Him: You okay?
Me eating a tube of cookie dough like a banana: Yeah, why?
I have just one word for beautiful women with questionable morals, poor decision making skills and an insatiable sex drive,
“Hi”.
I made the mistake of smelling one of my 6yo’s socks to see if it was dirty. I will now just assume all socks are dirty.
17 told me I was “mid.” I don’t know what that means, but I’m going to change the WI-FI password about it.
smoke alarm broke, so i decided to tape a bag of microwave popcorn to the ceiling. if it starts popping, i will know it is too hot in there.
The first bird to chew food for her kids was probably just trying to leave for work on time.
what idiot called it tinted windows instead of a drug car tell
My reactions
1st child’s problems: I WILL fix this!!
2nd child’s problems: Let me know if you need help.
3rd child’s problems: Good luck.
ME: *movie trailer voice* coming this summer…
WIFE: not if you keep that shit up.
When my son was in grade school the teacher asked the class what they should do if they think there is a fire and he shouted GO TURN THE STOVE OFF DINNER IS READY
My parents are just back from Little Women. My mam absolutely loved it but my dad isn’t happy because there was a Waterford Crystal bowl in the background of a scene and Waterford Crystal wasn’t around back then and therefore, the movie is no good.
Nobody ever talks about how effective letting dogs sleep in your bed is for birth control.
the world is kind of a disaster anyways let’s do a Jurassic park, dinosaurs deserve another go
I’m not a womanizer! They were all women when I found them!
“My god, it’s the zombie apocalypse. Everyone grab the most critical items and get ready to run”
*me holding a Shrek 2 DVD*
Way ahead of you
Older siblings are the original Influencers. When I was little my brother said sausage pizza was gross and I didn’t eat it again for 20 years.
10:00: gets in hammock
10:00 to 10:20: relaxes in hammock
10:21 to 11:57: gets out of hammock
Husband: Are we ordering out for lunch or eating here?
Me: I was just going to have something frozen here.
Daughter, from the other room: I WANT SOMETHING FROZEN 2.
Look, lady: Your boyfriend can either read Roman numerals or understand emojis, but you can’t have both.
99% Indians work on the Principle of Rockets.
It doesn’t mean we aim for the sky.
It means, we don’t start work unless our tail is on fire
[son falls over & hurts himself]
ME: aww poor kid, he needs a little THC
WIFE: don’t you mean TLC?
ME: [huge bong rip] he needs what now?