How the hell wizards don’t set fire to themselves, I’ll never understand; attempting to make potions and stuff, with those dangly sleeves.
You Might Also Like
With AI we’ve designed an entity that will eventually destroy us but right now we’re just like hey “can you write a poem for my gf?”
ME: …and that’s what the ‘sine’ function is used for
MY SON: I will never have to know this again in my life
ME: Oh you will son, trust me
{20 years later…}
MY GRANDSON: Dad?
MY SON: Yes?
MY GRANDSON: What’s the ‘sine’ function used for?
{Favorite Halloween Prank at Walmart}
Old Lady: Your son is adorable
4 yr. old: *running down aisles*
Me: Mam’ My son died 10 years ago.
Inside you there are two wolves. One wants wings. The other also wants wings but remembers how their stomach felt after eating wings
Possessed by deviled eggs.
Someone call an eggcorcist.
Sleeping is my drug, my bed is my dealer and my alarm is the police.🙃
*peels off yoga pants to reveal even yogier pants*
“Vitamin Water”?? Sorry bud, that exists and it’s called SOUP
Pizza is a lot like sex. If you do it wrong you burn the roof of your mouth.
Why spend thousands on college when you can just walk into a dense fog and re-emerge years later with glowing eyes and an unfathomable growth in human intelligence?
Ours was an impossible friendship. You were a squirrel with no identifiable markings and I could never be sure if you were you.
The fastest way to get your kids to shut up is to ask them a question you want answered.
You can say “Holy shit” in the waiting room of any a plastic surgeon.
But I don’t suggest you point.
*eats tiny amount of kale*
I AM INVINCIBLE WHO WANTS TO ARM WRESTLE
I’ve just had to reset my password to Delicate Luggage Handler as I was told it had to be case sensitive.
me: [slides bank teller a note]
bank teller: what’s a “roblery”
I put my toddler in white shorts and took her outside to play like some kind of masochist
DOG 911: What’s your emer-
DOG: HE THREW A BALL BUT I CAN’T FIND IT
DOG 911: He still holding it?
DOG: YES! HOW’D HE FETCH IT BEFORE ME??
“Groundhog” implies the existence of skyhogs, and that’s just frightening.
You may recognize me from many TikTok videos playing the role of Mom Who Talks Because She Doesn’t Know Camera Is On
“Hey, we’re wearing the same shoes,” I say to a teenager, ruining her day.
[first date]
her: do u like cats or dogs better
me: [scanning menu] what page are u on
The dismemberments will continue until morale improves now back to work and chop chop
as a child i thought i’d have to deal with the bermuda triangle a lot more than i have in my adult life
[runs thru the funeral chasing a bagpipe player]
“Stop hurting that octopus!”
When someone tells you “you don’t even know the half of it,” like it or not you’re about to hear the whole of it.
“I love having my toddlers surprise me by joining my shower. Not only is it relaxing and efficient, it’s eco friendly.”
SAID NO MOM EVER
Six feet under.
– Yoda, explaining why he was turned away from riding the roller coaster
OMG, shoot him with a crossbow one time and he never shuts up about it.
It wasn’t even fatal.
Well, the Fourth of July is over, you know what that means… time for the stores to start putting out their Christmas stuff…