Him: I think you’re my soul mate.
Me: I’m so SO sorry for you.
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[Starts to open package of cheese]
[Hears kids running towards kitchen]
[Escapes with cheese to car]
[Drives 5 hours to hotel]
[Checks into room]
[Starts to open package of cheese]
My dog: HEEEY CHEEESE!!!
Me: [pokes Bruce Banner with a stick] why aren’t you angry? What’s your secret?
Dr. Bruce Banner: my secret? I’m always angry.
Me: Hi Always Angry! I’m Dad
The Incredible Hulk: are you happy now?
Me: no, I’m Dad
Job interview:
– Good morning
– Good morning
– Have you got a twitter account?
– Yes
– Ok, thanks for your time. We’ll get back to you
“Dogs are assholes”
DOG PERSON: YOU’RE an asshole!
“Cats are assholes”
CAT PERSON: Yeah
[Chevy commercial]
“we blindfolded people and put them in our new Chevy. Here’s what they had to say”
Man: I couldn’t see anything. I was blindfolded
Woman: I feared for my life the entire time
[wife calling make-a-wish foundation]
he says he’s “dying from ennui” does that count
ME: [holding door for wife]
WIFE: Why can’t we just buy an umbrella?
It is true. Time flies when you are having fun.
However it is also true that Time eventually rests on a tree branch and shits on your head.
I want a lady in the streets and a billion dollars
Beanbag chairs are fun and comfortable but you should never buy one because one day you’ll get some really bad news and you’ll have to roll off the side and onto the floor before standing up to comfort your partner.
I was just about to have sex but then a gust of wind blew my condom into a labyrinth and like a fool I ran in to get it
Trolling my FB friends by commenting “Looking good ;)” on solo pics of their husbands
I looked at a shelf once online and now every ad is like “SO YOU LIKE SHELVES??????” and everywhere i go i think a shelf is following me
What part of this $7.50 Wal Mart T-shirt makes you think I’d like to see the wine list?
Me, passing on the wisdom of my ancestors to my kids: It’s “righty tighty, lefty loosey.”
I lied on my resume yesterday. I told them I wanted a job
Me:*smashes car window to rescue baby*
Her:”WTF I was getting the stroller from the trunk!”
Me:”Yeah, but you had Coldplay on the radio.”
A cool thing about kids is how they make you keep an open mind, like when your 3 year old wakes you up to ask “What if we were hotdogs?” and you’re like, oh damn what if
Wearing shirts of bands you don’t listen to is like refusing to eat the cupcake, but cool walking around with frosting all over your face.
If I ever become a ghost, I sure hope they have some options other than pottery.
Are people who say “hard pass” aware of fiber supplements?
Step aside coffee, this is a job for alcohol.
Hell, it’s the 70s all over again. Cheap gas, shaggy hair and no where to go
I hope it’s French Onion!
How does my kids bathroom always look like a crime scene where someone was murdered with toothpaste
My kid just asked my mom if she’d known anyone from the bible personally so I think it’s safe to say she can kiss that trust fund goodbye
My baby: Blabalaba! Bolababa!
Me: Yeah, that’s a fair point – I guess it’s really a personal choice, not a matter of figuring out one best practice for everyone. Thanks for talking this out with me.
How am I supposed to sleep now that I’ve realized 125 people have watched a video of me drunkenly making nachos?
…. And they didn’t even like it.
Art Teacher: your drawings are due tomorrow
me: [hours later] maybe add in some grapes
police sketch artist: ..a bowl of fruit attacked you?