Never read the comments. Unless you’re posting a comment. Then, read all the comments, because 40 other people already said that, genius.
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[someone says a word I’ve never heard before]
Me: *nods in agreement*
[brainstorming movie scripts]
writer: a romantic comedy? guy sees girl in red dress and falls in-
stephen king: what if it’s an evil dress
I’m not saying over a year in quarantine has messed with me but a tiny lizard got into my apartment and I was like, “oh good, you made it.”
Saying you like a lot of meat in your taco is received differently on Twitter than it is on Facebook.
I know that now.
me: *jumping out of a cake*
guy in next urinal: DUDE
Typos are gonna be the death of me!
Unless pills, cigarettes, alcohol, unprotected sex, meth, bull fighting or Taco Bell kill me first.
Nothing says “I’m stubborn” like owning a BlackBerry in 2013.
In case of an emergency, eat fried chicken.
Don’t believe anything a weatherman says until he takes off the jacket and rolls up the sleeves.
tonight i learned that my mom ended a friendship because the person in question claimed a baby was flirting, and i have never respected her more
Remember four years ago when we were all ‘nature is healing’ and then my grandma got mugged by a swan.
The bad news: I shaved off my beard.
The good news: none of my co-workers recognize me and have stopped talking to me.
I’m sorry your tc cheated on you with their spouse, will you please stop writing poems now
my last few brain cells clinging on for dear life
“I’m more night hamster than owl,” I say, pushing another wad of food into my cheek pouch at 2:00am.
Seeing all this inclusion on TV and movies now is making me feel like I grew up in the 1800s…when only my knees did
the best thing i’ve ever made
I used to accidentally repeat stories to my friends a lot but now I just say “I think I’ve already told you this” and say it again anyway
HER: can you please get your feet off the furniture
CANNIBAL [putting them all back into a duffel bag]: sorry about that
“What sins have you committed?”
Well…
[20 minutes later]
… finally fit my whole fist up there. I shit you not. Father?
*vomiting sound*
I think she is an organ harvester 🤔🤔 #tinder #tinderindia
Gotye is just somebody that we used to know.
How to brew beer: First buy $300 worth of equipment from the last guy who thought it would be fun
Pretty much the most frightening part of my day is when I get a notification that my mother has tagged me in a post on Facebook.
People criticise me for chasing squirrels in the park but I trust my dog
Me: *buys a meal for one*
Everyone: Aw that poor lonely guy.Me: *buys a meal for two*
Everyone: Ew that fat lonely guy.
ISSUE: is the road runner wile e coyote’s son
FOR: thhey, seem to respect each other, on some level
AGAINST: one of them is a dog
13YO: Why’s he happy? He got dog-piled.
Me: He made a lot of groundage before getting put down.
Husband: Yardage. Tackled. PLEASE LEAVE.